It's taken me almost two years to really feel like I am even close to being able to blog about this. I stumbled upon Julia's Making It Work series right after Ryker was born and it made me reflect on my own "working mom" life. In her series, Julia asks questions of moms from several walks of life (SAHM, working moms, part time working moms, moms with special circumstances, etc). Many of the answers have helped me in various ways. Some made me feel better because they validated my feelings and told me things would get better and some were more practical with ideas I've implemented in my own parenthood journey.
What is your background story? What was your career/schooling before you became a mom? And where are you now?
I met my husband the summer after my high school graduation in 2006 on the set of an independent short film being produced in our city. After six months of friendship we started dating, and in the summer of 2009, we were married. I was still a sophomore in college. Josh is 13 years older than me. Which isn't a big deal, but it does have some impact on our life decisions. I graduated from a small liberal arts college in 2011 with a degree in History. For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a teacher. But, around my senior year of college, I realized that particular career might not be the right fit. So after prayer and discussion with Josh, I decided to enter the workforce instead of going to grad school for secondary education. After college, we moved to my husband's hometown (two doors away from his parents, into his grandmother's house - which we rent). I was very fortunate to find a great job as an administrative assistant at our City Hall in October of 2011. In college, I had taken a number of political science classes and developed a love for that, so this job has been perfect for me. In the 3+ years since I've been there I have taken on more responsibilities and am now the Assistant City Clerk for Administration. My husband is a photographer at a local studio and a pressman at a major southeastern newspaper. He works nights and some weekends at weddings. In 2012, after a year of trying to conceive, we got pregnant on our first round of Clomid. In September 2013, we welcomed our sweet baby boy, Ryker.
What are the best parts of your situation? What are the challenges?
There are benefits and drawbacks to every situation, of course, but two major challenges I can think of immediately are our upbringings (and resulting expectations) and Josh's work schedule. We were raised very differently and had very different ideas about how parenthood would look (obviously we didn’t discuss this enough pre-Ryker). Josh also works nights and sleeps during the day. These two things result in a lot of the household and parenting responsibilities falling to me (i.e. all my waking hours are either at work or include a toddler attached to me). And honestly, that sometimes creates a little resentment. I also struggle with a lot of guilt about not being the perfect wife/ mom/ employee/ church member/ house cleaner/ cook/ accountant/ exerciser/ etc. I often feel like I’m being torn in several different directions and can never do anything to my full ability, which is difficult for a perfectionist. Not to mention the massive guilt I feel when I carve out an hour or two for myself!
Honestly, the best part is that I really love the luxuries our double income family affords us. We are able to pay our bills and have a little extra for stuff like being able to stock up at grocery sales or occasionally buying a cute shirt without worrying if it’ll break the bank.
My office is fairly small and close knit. We are very much like a family. My bosses genuinely believe in putting family first. On the flip side because my office is so small and my coworker is often out, when something does happen I usually have no choice but to bring Ryker to work with me or else the whole office comes to a halt/closes for the day. A small office means my workload has also grown exponentially in my short 3.5 years here - sometimes to the extent that I am uncomfortable. Our proximity to my work and Ryker’s grandparents is wonderful. My commute is 15 minutes and Ryker's Grammy lives two doors down from us. Also, my mom is a teacher, so she spends a lot of time with Ryker in the summer and on weekends. We are so incredibly fortunate that our parents are active in our son's life. I cannot stress that enough.
Is this how you expected it to be pre-kids?
Yes and no. I always knew I’d be a working mom, but I just thought I’d be better at it. I imagined having a clean house, advancing in my career, making homemade dinners every night, and being a super hot and attentive wife. Apparently I forgot about how much I love sleep. Obviously I had unrealistic expectations so the last 18 months have been about evolving to a new normal for our family. Other than not being a perfect wife/mom/employee it’s pretty much what I expected. Although being so content with one child is a bit of a surprise. I always wanted a big family - somewhere between 4 and a yardful. Now? Not so much. I love my little family of three and think if it does expand it’ll only be once more.
Is this your ideal situation? If not, what is?
I wouldn't say this is "ideal." I often feel stretched too thin or like I'm juggling too many things. Ideally, I'd love to work part time... maybe 3-4 days a week. That's just not possible in my current position. Early on, I tried working a four day week (10 hours/day), but it just didn’t work out. I was always exhausted at home and felt like my job performance suffered. So I requested to go back to the traditional 8:00am-4:00pm (no lunch) schedule. Now that Ryker is in full time daycare I might consider a 4/10 workweek if the opportunity comes up again. If I make a job/career change I'll explore part time options at that juncture.
Do you see yourself making a career change (whatever that means) in the next 5-10 years? Or is this current set up staying put for the long haul?
I'd like to stay where I am for the long haul. But I work in small town politics, so realistically I could lose my job just because a new mayor wants to "clean house." It's definitely a drawback for this particular job, but so far I've survived. Knowing that I could lose my job every four years for no real reason does affect how I plan financially. We have a small emergency fund and are adamant about paying off our credit card debt as soon as possible (hopefully this summer). It has also forced me to really keep my eyes open for other career opportunities. I can’t imagine I'll voluntarily leave my current job though. It's possible, but I doubt it.
Tips on how you make your situation work for you:
1. Lowering my standards. I've seen this repeated again and again on the series. And it is so true. My house is always way too dirty for my taste. The laundry will never be done. We don't eat as healthy/homemade as I would like. But it's ok. This is only a season.
2. Having goals. I’m not saying this makes day to day life easier, but knowing I’m working toward something certainly helps. Our current goal is paying off consumer debt. Then we’ll move on to building a home. These goals give me a little oomph when my alarm goes off in the mornings. Speaking of which, it helps that I’m a morning person. I can usually get up, get ready, make my coffee and have some quiet time (either for a devotion, personal time, or cleaning if I feel the urge) before Ryker gets up at 6:30.
3. A strong support network. Between grandparents, church family, and close friends I really feel like there are a lot of people out there to rely on when things get tough. I love having a close knit church family full of moms from all different walks of life. The best part is that they all seem to inspire me to be a better person, not just a better mom. (It can be a double edged sword when I’m feeling pitiful though.) We spend a lot of time with grandparents. Josh is of course wonderful at helping out when I ask him and he’s even gotten pretty good at doing the dishes without being asked! Haha! He’s a great dad and the boys usually get an afternoon together every so often so I can do some food prep or a chore or something else.
How do you handle mommy guilt?
I have my good days and bad days. Until recently I was very resentful about working. I was angry and sad that I had to leave my baby and go to work. Even knowing that being a SAHM was not the right choice for me and even knowing that I love my job I still had a lot of issues to work out. It has gotten infinitely better (I actually think hormones were a big part of that). Knowing that it gets easier helps. Knowing that I am doing what works for my family helps. Knowing my son is learning valuable life lessons (like social norms) from a daycare atmosphere that I could never teach him really helps. Of course there are still some days that nagging feeling of guilt is there - which usually result in retail therapy and subsequent buyers remorse. Just gotta remember I’m doing what’s best for my family.
Advice for new moms struggling with returning to work outside of the home? Or struggling to decide if staying at home is the right choice?
A job you love makes leaving your baby a little easier. And it does get easier. Give it time. Don't be rash early on. For me it took almost nine months after returning to work to feel good about the decision, but it happened. Slowly it happened. But also know that you ultimately have to choose what's right for you and your family. If that's working great. If that's staying at home great.
How do meals work in your family? Meal planning? How often do you grocery shop? Who is in charge of this task in your family?
Typically I do all of the meal planning and grocery shopping. I try to plan a month at a time. This is always changing, but right now I’m trying to do a big shopping trip every other weekend. It seems to work pretty well so far. We do try to stick to a budget so I try to make frugal decisions when meal planning and shopping - we shop at Aldi for most of our groceries and end up going to Walmart/Target for the name brand stuff we prefer. I try to have one meatless dinner/week, a leftover night, and a “fend for yourself” night since one of us inevitably has something to do one night a week.
How do you keep your house clean? Power cleaning after bedtime? Staying out of the house as much as possible? Cleaning while kids are awake? Purging often? Cleaning schedule?
We don’t. I mean, it’s clean enough to live in but it’s not magazine perfect. This was an area that I really struggled in as far as wanting everything to be perfect all the time and comparing myself to other women. But we live in a house with a toddler. There will pretty much always be toys and crumbs on the floor. There is usually at least one dish in the sink. But whatever. That sounds flippant and dismissive and I don’t mean it that way. Truly, I just realized how much energy I was wasting by stressing about how my house doesn’t look like pinterest. I just try to clean when it gets too dirty for me. I do have a chore chart that I follow loosely. I try to do something each day during the week and catch up on Saturdays if I absolutely have to - usually I opt to skip it though. The weekends are for playing so the last thing I want to do is clean.
