CD1

Yesterday was CD1. I got to go to ART this morning and have my fasting & baseline tests done this morning. I didn't realize that my baseline tests were through a vaginal ultrasound! That was definitely something I was not prepared for. Ultimately, it was uncomfortable, but not too difficult. I really loved my nurse. Unfortunately, I had to spend another $45 today on tests. Add that to the $95 we spent last time, and Baby Nerd is already costing us. Don't forget about the prescriptions. Luckily I've been able to get generics, so I've only paid $15.00, but I can't imagine how mind blowing-ly expensive it would be if we didn't have such good insurance.

My baselines showed one small cyst on my left ovary. It measured 1.9, so they said I can continue with the original plan of taking clomid on days 5-9. Then I start doing OPK's on day 12. If I haven't gotten 2 lines by CD 14, they want me to come in on CD 15 in the morning for my surge appointment. I have to BD 2-6 hours before the surge appointment, so I guess we get to have super early morning s-e-x.
My surge appointment will include a post coital test (to see how his guys are doing once they're in the cervical fluid) and another vaginal ultrasound (at least I'm prepared this time!) to measure my follicles. Once my follicles measure 1.8, they will administer my HCG trigger shot.  Then I think we're gonna BD some more just to make sure... unless we are told not to.

I also got to schedule my HSG for next Tuesday the 4th. I'm getting pretty nervous.

I had to have a talk with my boss today. Told him I'm having "feminine problems" and have to go to the doctor pretty much at least once each week for the next month. He was much more supportive than I expected (he only started working there about 1.5 weeks ago...) and told me that he and his wife had difficulty trying to conceive their second daughter 20+ years ago. I think he will be a tremendous help and a great boss especially through this process.

My test results from this morning came back pretty good. Everything was normal except for the fact that my insulin is elevated so now I'm being prescribed glucophage (metformin) on top of my clomid and vitamin d supplements. Currently, I'm doing more research on glucophage/metformin and other natural ways to get my insulin in check. I feel like I may be pre-disposed to having diabetes because it runs in my mother's family and because I'm way overweight and love sweets. Also, the cyst. But the nurse said that was nothing to worry about because some women have a small cyst around the beginning of their cycle.

I feel like so much has happened on the baby front. But there actually really hasn't been a whole lot of stuff going on. I guess it feels that way because this process makes fertility right in the front of your mind. I feel like I've been able to focus on other things (when I needed to) in the last year, but this first month of infertility treatment/monitoring has just put so much focus on TTC... and it's only CD 2!!!

On Infertility

Technically, the definition for infertility is trying for 12 months without conceiving a child. And technically we are only at month 11 (cycle 12). But, I was able to jump the gun and schedule a consult with ART of Alabama. This is what they have determined:

Josh: Semen Analysis came back great. He was well above their minimum requirements. Blood work came back fine except that he has Vitamin D insufficiency. His level was 28 and they generally like to see 30-100 in the blood work. J is on a prescription strength vitamin d supplement for 6 weeks.

Me:
The doctor thinks I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome based on my weight, oily skin, inability to get pregnant etc. My bloodwork came back with Vitamin D Insufficiency as well, so I am also taking the prescription supplements. My bloodwork also revealed that I have low Progesterone (which the doctor said she suspected before they began all the tests & stuff). So, because of the low Progesterone and suspected PCOS, they will prescribe me Clomid on CD 5-9. But before that I have to do a few more tests. On CD1, I will call to schedule baselines & fasting labs on one day (between CDs 1-4) and my HSG on a separate day (between CDs 4-12). The HSG is an x-ray where the doctor injects dye into my uterus and tubes to see if there are any blockages. I'm very nervous about this test because I hear it is pretty painful.
Then I begin taking 100 mg Clomid daily on CD 5-9. They will do an ultrasound to monitor the growth of my follicles. The nurse said we need 1.8 cm follicles. I will do OPK's on my own at home and call on the day 2 lines show up (doesn't matter how faint). I'm supposed to call to schedule my HCG trigger shot. They will also do a post coital test so they can see how the sperm are doing in my cervical mucus at this appointment. So J & I have to BD 2-6 hours before I got to the doctor. 1 week after ovulation I will go back so they can monitor my levels (progesterone, I believe) and 2 weeks after ovulation I will go back for a blood pregnancy test. They said not to take a home pregnancy test because it can give a false positive because of he HCG shot.
And that's my first cycle with them. It'll be a monitored Clomid cycle.

Honestly, at first I was so optimistic and uplifted and felt like it was absolutely going to happen this first time. But the more time that passes the more worried I get. I really really really hope it works on this first round. I hope our problem with conceiving is just that I needed a couple of drugs to aid in the process. I'm happy to know what's wrong and to have a course of action. But I'm getting scared that this course is not enough. I'm scared that the problems are bigger than we know. I tell myself not think this way. Focus on the good. There is a plan. There is action being taken. We can finally confirm that there is something wrong with me, which is the first step to finding a remedy.

To Bethany

(Last night I told the ladies in my Bible Study that J & I have moved forward and made an appointment with an infertility doctor. One of the ladies, Bethany, asked me what I was afraid of.)


Last night you asked me what I was afraid of. And I answered that I was afraid that nothing could be done. But the more I think about it, the more I think that is probably the dumbest answer out there. I mean, didn't we just spend the last few weeks discussing how mighty our God is? How He can raise people from the dead? How He can provide exactly what is needed (like the ram)?

I'm not afraid that nothing can be done, because I know that if it is God's will, it will be done. What I'm afraid of is myself. Throughout this study we talked about functional gods and personally mine is success. I'm afraid I will fail. I'm afraid the doctor will tell me to lose weight and I won't be able to. I'm afraid it will cost more money than we can save up. I am afraid I will not be patient enough. I'm afraid that I'm a Sarai when I should be a Hannah.

But it's more than being afraid. I am sad. Even though seeking medical attention was always something I thought we'd have to do, there is a difference in figuring that eventually you'll have to go to a doctor and actually making the appointment...  I am sad because I want to give my husband a child. I have wanted that since before we even got engaged, and every year I told myself the time wasn't right and that I should re-assess in one year. I have waited the "appropriate" amount of time, I have graduated college, I have gotten a good job, I have paid off most of our debt. I have done the responsible thing, so why not now? Why shouldn't this happen?

I am sad because, honestly, not being able to do this naturally (yet -- there's still hope that it could happen naturally during this process) makes me feel a little less like a woman. To me, this is the ultimate form of femininity. And it's something I can't achieve on my own. It feels like this is a huge part of what I was born to do. Around here, that is what women do. In fact last week during nursery your daughter asked me where my baby was. I told her I didn't have one, but she couldn't seem to grasp that adult women don't have babies. She asked me if my baby was at home. She asked me if my baby was in my tummy. (I'm not saying that to make you feel uncomfortable. It didn't make me uncomfortable or sad or anything like that. It was cute and she was sweet. This is just the perfect example of what is expected of women here... even toddlers know that girls grow up and become mommies) It's funny how living in a small town in the South is a lot like living in the Old Testament in that regard.

On Other People's Pregnancies

A lot of people around me seem to be getting pregnant. I know that I'm probably more sensitive to it now than when we weren't TTC.

But, I just found out the BFF is accidentally pregnant on the day I started. During the cycle of hope (cycle 11), she texted me saying that she thought she might be. I ignored it because, honestly, she always thinks she might be pregnant. Well this time was different. She actually is. And she was worried because this wasn't in their plans. I almost blew my freaking lid. REALLY? And then AF arrived not even 5 minutes after I got the news.

She went to the doctor with her husband of 2 months. They found out that they are expecting for real. They are now getting excited about it.

I threw a pity party for myself. Sobbed on the phone to my stepmother. And ate ice cream.

Now, it's back to reality.

And, honestly, the worst part about it is how I reacted. How upset I was/am about it. She is my best friend. I should be ecstatic for her. But I am jealous. And angry that it was so easy for her to get pregnant while I am moving into the infertility treatment phase of my life. And it hurts that she is the person I would normally cry to when something like this happens, but I can't do that in this situation.


There is a huge part of me is really happy for her though. She deserves the best. I think it was just the shock and timing. Plus, OMG, my BFF is having a baby!!!!! :D

On Taking the Next Step

So, AF was really late. Like 5 days late. I began to actually get my hopes up. Honestly, I'm so regular that I haven't had to do any kind of pregnancy tests over the course of this year (last time we tried to get pregnant I really had no idea what we were doing, so I peed on a ton of sticks). This time was different. I'd never been so late before. Hopes are soaring. I took a test. Negative. Shook it off because, hey, there is such a thing as false negatives... I decided to take a test each morning until I ran out of my three pack of tests. All were negative. I started spotting on Sunday. Yesterday it happened. I can say with absolute certainty that cycle 11 was not our cycle. Over the past 2 weeks I have been considering moving forward and making an appointment with a reproductive doctor. I told myself I would wait it out and see if cycle 11 worked. Obviously it didn't. So yesterday I called ART and scheduled an initial consultation for me and Josh for Nov. 19. I'm scared. I'm nervous. I think infertility has always been lurking in the back of my mind. Now we've crossed from TTC to beginning infertility treatment. That's a huge step. It wasn't taken lightly. It's still scary because I don't want to admit there is something wrong with either of us. And I certainly don't want to think about the possibility of not having a baby. And honestly, I really hate to write this, but the financial aspect of infertility scares me. We are secure now, but I'm scared about having to pay thousands of dollars in one lump sum before we begin a treatment that might not even work. Also? J doesn't seem to care. And that bothers me. Am I forcing this on us? He is the one who has wanted a baby for-ev-er. I know men don't talk about their feelings, but I feel like he's leaving these big decisions up to me. I know he doesn't have to think/plan for pregnancy quite as much as I do, but I would still love to have some sort of I don't know... affirmation? I want him to tell me he agrees and that this is something he thinks we should do, not just.. "Ok... Whatever you think..." All of this makes me think we need to have a talk.

No Other Idols

J's mom invited me to a Bible Study over the summer. It was about 6 of the 7 Deadly Sins. I enjoyed it, and I liked getting to know some ladies at SRCC a little better. Well, at the end of that study, they invited me back for the next one. This is by Kelly Minter & it's about having no other gods, and about how we can turn things that are precious to us into idols.

Man, it is really hitting close to home. This is the second week and it has me looking back over the past decisions. In this week, we studied both Sarah (& Abram) & Hannah. Both women had fertility problems. Each woman handled it differently. Sarah took the problem into her own hands and sent her husband to conceive with her maid, Hagar, and that resulted in Ishmael.  Hannah prayed to the Lord from her deepest anguish and grief. And the Lord heard her and gave her Samuel. Long story short, I identified more with Sarah.

But now that I know I'm more of a Sarah and I want to be a Hannah, I've looked back in my short life to see if there were any hardships.

J lost his job 6 months into our marriage. I tried to be a Sarah and made plans and lists and goals etc etc etc, but this particular situation forced me to be a Hannah. It forced me to take my "helping hands" out of the process, and to leave everything up to God. And wow... He most certainly came through. He blessed us more than I could've ever dreamed with two part time jobs for J (which he loves much more than his original job), a new job at a hotel for me that also included a FREE HOTEL ROOM to live in. So we were able to not only catch up on our debts but to pay some things off completely!
It's amazing how when I stop interfering with God's plan, He blesses me beyond what I ever dreamed about in the first place.

Now, to apply that to life today because it's easy to look back and see how God blessed me when I know the end of the story, it's harder to do that right now because I don't know the ending. But, I think back to those few months of struggle and I remember then that I didn't know the end of the story. I remember sobbing in my car on the way to class and I remember when I finally said that I wasn't strong enough to handle this on my own. I can't do it by myself, only God can help me get through that difficult time. I wonder if I had known how that story was going to end if I would have been so reliant on God.

And I think the same holds true for Hannah and it applies to me today. It is because I don't know the end to this scary conception journey that I have to rely so heavily on the Lord.

Another thing that one of the ladies brought up last night is that in 1 Samuel 1:18 after her prayer and conversation with Eli, "she went her way and ate something and her face was no longer downcast." She had already sought the Lord and was happy before she ever conceived Samuel. Another lady last night said that her pain brought her focus on the Lord and He became her source of happiness (not having a child). I'm paraphrasing, but that struck me. For a lot of 2011 and almost all of 2012 I have been so pre-occupied with getting pregnant that pregnancy has become a source of happiness (and bitterness when it happens to other people). I want the Lord to be the source of my happiness. When I look back over the last 1.5ish years all I can remember doing is trying to get pregnant and studying about getting pregnant and researching pregnancy etc etc etc. I don't want to look back at the rest of the time on this journey and think I wasn't really living.

That's part of the reason I began baking recently, I need a hobby. But more importantly, that's part of the reason I caved when J asked me to be a part of the media team at our church. I want to use this time to soak in the Lord and to spread His news. I am so much more than my difficulty to conceive. It's about time I start acting that way. And through the rest of this journey (however long it may be) and through the next journey I want God to be the center of my life and I want to spend my days glorifying Him.

Financial Updates

So I know this was supposed to be an every three month thing, but I honestly dropped the ball on updating our finances and getting out of debt situation. Maybe this is good, so now I can provide actual numbers for July 2012 (instead of just guesstimates) which would have been three months from the first time I updated on our financial situation:

Best Buy: $628.42 

(We had some financial set backs this spring and early summer which meant I could only pay the minimum payment on this... so we weren't able to pay it off by July. We hope we're back on track now and plan to pay it off in December. p.s. I just paid $80.00 on this today, so my guesstimate for next month is $550 something.)

My personal CC: $1448.73 

(I said I still use this card. Not good, but it was necessary with our earlier situations... mostly having car problems and needing to replace 3 tires  after J took almost 2 weeks off of work etc etc etc. the good news is that my card has expired and I never got sent a replacement. I know I should go to the bank and ask for my replacement, but I think not having my CC to use will help me pay down the balance quicker.)

Compass Visa: $2667.16

Compass Gold: $4875.34 (under 5k on this! Woo Hoo!)

Student Loans: $17,196.50 + $431.66 

(I've decided to include this number just for the sake of having all of my numbers written down so I can look back in a few years and see how far we've gone. I still don't really consider this in the same category as the credit card debt. I consider this more like a car loan or mortgage because it was something that was necessary at the time and helped me to get better jobs now and give me more opportunities in the future.)

I totally found out that one of my previous student loans wasn't consolidated with the rest, so turns out we have an extra bill now. grrrrr. This is one of the things that added to our earlier financial problems. I thought I had updated all my contact info with all my previous lenders, but this one fell through the cracks and the bills didn't get to me until it was 6 months overdue. The payments for this small loan is only $50/month, but the first time I got the bills for this we were so past due that I owed $300.00! Now it's all paid up and I'm only paying the $50/month, but I think the plan is to pay off the BB card this December and pay off this smaller student loan in January or February of 2013. And from there we reevaluate.

J and I thought and talked and prayed about our finances, and ultimately we decided to go back to our original pledges for donating to the church and missionaries. This was a difficult decision and I still struggle with the guilt of not tithing my full 10% every paycheck. It just came down to the fact that we are trying to pay down our debt. We are doing the snowball thing, and there has been no snowball. According to all of my first calculations (when J & I first got married) we  should've been completely out of debt by now. I know that life happens and things don't always go according to my plans. My point is that we had been working so long and hard to claw our way out of debt. When we finally paid off his car and freed up that money it went straight to the tithe, so we were barely breaking even each month (and lots of times I did have to use my credit card to buy a tank of gas, or a gallon of milk or whatever). So, like I said we talked and prayed and thought about it and decided that we have to give what we originally pledged to our church and missions organizations. And we will reevaluate our status in January or February. We really want to be able to go back to tithing our full 10% as soon as possible. Like I said this is something I have struggled with and it's something I still feel guilty about, but this was the decision we had to make after lots of talking and prayers.