My First Experience With Clomid

Sonovabitch.

Clomid was ridiculous.

I usually have very little patience on a normal basis, but with Clomid things that always bothered me a little bit before were magnified a hundred times. I seriously wanted to punch everyone I know in the face.

Luckily, the doctor said that irritability is a common side effect, so I was able to keep the violence to a minimum. But I did "get short"with a lot of people:
1. Co-workers.
2. Facebook.
3. A Sheriff's Deputy.
4. My grandmother.
5. My mother.
6. My stepmother.
7. The worship leader at my church.
8. Anyone driving too slow or too fast.
9. My pregnant BFF.
10. Pretty much every single contractor who came in to City Hall.


In hindsight, I am both proud of myself for never actually losing my temper and just going ape-shit on anyone, but I am also disappointed that I let so many stupid little things bother me. I really hope this cycle worked because I am not sure I can do Clomid for an extended period of time.

(No) Surge Appt

I was told to come in on CD 15 if there was no LH surge detected prior to that. So, I went in yesterday (CD15) for my surge appointment.  We did an ultrasound to measure my follicles & cervial lining. I had one mature follicle & the cervical lining was good... So the nurse did a postcoital test. That was not so great. She couldn't get all the way into my cervix to obtain the last sample, so the lab only had 2 samples to look at. The first sample was taken from in front of my cervix and there were a lot of sperm, but none were moving. The second sample was from the outside opening of my cervix and there were no sperm at all. She said there was a chance that all the fast guys were already in my cervix, but because she couldn't reach that high we don't know for sure.  She decided to go ahead and give me my HCG trigger shot. And it hurts worse now than when the needle was actually in my hip! It feels like a bruise. It's not bad at all, really. Just kinda funny that the needle didn't hurt, but the injection site does. So, anyways, we are supposed to cover for 3 days and I'll go back next week for blood work (to look at my progesterone levels). And I can take a home pregnancy test on the 26th. The nurse said not to take it early to surprise people for Christmas because I could get a false positive. So, I won't because that would be heartbreaking for us.
I'll have to write about my experience with Clomid (it worked, but I was a hot mess) on another day because that is something I definitely want to remember!

CD1

Yesterday was CD1. I got to go to ART this morning and have my fasting & baseline tests done this morning. I didn't realize that my baseline tests were through a vaginal ultrasound! That was definitely something I was not prepared for. Ultimately, it was uncomfortable, but not too difficult. I really loved my nurse. Unfortunately, I had to spend another $45 today on tests. Add that to the $95 we spent last time, and Baby Nerd is already costing us. Don't forget about the prescriptions. Luckily I've been able to get generics, so I've only paid $15.00, but I can't imagine how mind blowing-ly expensive it would be if we didn't have such good insurance.

My baselines showed one small cyst on my left ovary. It measured 1.9, so they said I can continue with the original plan of taking clomid on days 5-9. Then I start doing OPK's on day 12. If I haven't gotten 2 lines by CD 14, they want me to come in on CD 15 in the morning for my surge appointment. I have to BD 2-6 hours before the surge appointment, so I guess we get to have super early morning s-e-x.
My surge appointment will include a post coital test (to see how his guys are doing once they're in the cervical fluid) and another vaginal ultrasound (at least I'm prepared this time!) to measure my follicles. Once my follicles measure 1.8, they will administer my HCG trigger shot.  Then I think we're gonna BD some more just to make sure... unless we are told not to.

I also got to schedule my HSG for next Tuesday the 4th. I'm getting pretty nervous.

I had to have a talk with my boss today. Told him I'm having "feminine problems" and have to go to the doctor pretty much at least once each week for the next month. He was much more supportive than I expected (he only started working there about 1.5 weeks ago...) and told me that he and his wife had difficulty trying to conceive their second daughter 20+ years ago. I think he will be a tremendous help and a great boss especially through this process.

My test results from this morning came back pretty good. Everything was normal except for the fact that my insulin is elevated so now I'm being prescribed glucophage (metformin) on top of my clomid and vitamin d supplements. Currently, I'm doing more research on glucophage/metformin and other natural ways to get my insulin in check. I feel like I may be pre-disposed to having diabetes because it runs in my mother's family and because I'm way overweight and love sweets. Also, the cyst. But the nurse said that was nothing to worry about because some women have a small cyst around the beginning of their cycle.

I feel like so much has happened on the baby front. But there actually really hasn't been a whole lot of stuff going on. I guess it feels that way because this process makes fertility right in the front of your mind. I feel like I've been able to focus on other things (when I needed to) in the last year, but this first month of infertility treatment/monitoring has just put so much focus on TTC... and it's only CD 2!!!

On Infertility

Technically, the definition for infertility is trying for 12 months without conceiving a child. And technically we are only at month 11 (cycle 12). But, I was able to jump the gun and schedule a consult with ART of Alabama. This is what they have determined:

Josh: Semen Analysis came back great. He was well above their minimum requirements. Blood work came back fine except that he has Vitamin D insufficiency. His level was 28 and they generally like to see 30-100 in the blood work. J is on a prescription strength vitamin d supplement for 6 weeks.

Me:
The doctor thinks I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome based on my weight, oily skin, inability to get pregnant etc. My bloodwork came back with Vitamin D Insufficiency as well, so I am also taking the prescription supplements. My bloodwork also revealed that I have low Progesterone (which the doctor said she suspected before they began all the tests & stuff). So, because of the low Progesterone and suspected PCOS, they will prescribe me Clomid on CD 5-9. But before that I have to do a few more tests. On CD1, I will call to schedule baselines & fasting labs on one day (between CDs 1-4) and my HSG on a separate day (between CDs 4-12). The HSG is an x-ray where the doctor injects dye into my uterus and tubes to see if there are any blockages. I'm very nervous about this test because I hear it is pretty painful.
Then I begin taking 100 mg Clomid daily on CD 5-9. They will do an ultrasound to monitor the growth of my follicles. The nurse said we need 1.8 cm follicles. I will do OPK's on my own at home and call on the day 2 lines show up (doesn't matter how faint). I'm supposed to call to schedule my HCG trigger shot. They will also do a post coital test so they can see how the sperm are doing in my cervical mucus at this appointment. So J & I have to BD 2-6 hours before I got to the doctor. 1 week after ovulation I will go back so they can monitor my levels (progesterone, I believe) and 2 weeks after ovulation I will go back for a blood pregnancy test. They said not to take a home pregnancy test because it can give a false positive because of he HCG shot.
And that's my first cycle with them. It'll be a monitored Clomid cycle.

Honestly, at first I was so optimistic and uplifted and felt like it was absolutely going to happen this first time. But the more time that passes the more worried I get. I really really really hope it works on this first round. I hope our problem with conceiving is just that I needed a couple of drugs to aid in the process. I'm happy to know what's wrong and to have a course of action. But I'm getting scared that this course is not enough. I'm scared that the problems are bigger than we know. I tell myself not think this way. Focus on the good. There is a plan. There is action being taken. We can finally confirm that there is something wrong with me, which is the first step to finding a remedy.

To Bethany

(Last night I told the ladies in my Bible Study that J & I have moved forward and made an appointment with an infertility doctor. One of the ladies, Bethany, asked me what I was afraid of.)


Last night you asked me what I was afraid of. And I answered that I was afraid that nothing could be done. But the more I think about it, the more I think that is probably the dumbest answer out there. I mean, didn't we just spend the last few weeks discussing how mighty our God is? How He can raise people from the dead? How He can provide exactly what is needed (like the ram)?

I'm not afraid that nothing can be done, because I know that if it is God's will, it will be done. What I'm afraid of is myself. Throughout this study we talked about functional gods and personally mine is success. I'm afraid I will fail. I'm afraid the doctor will tell me to lose weight and I won't be able to. I'm afraid it will cost more money than we can save up. I am afraid I will not be patient enough. I'm afraid that I'm a Sarai when I should be a Hannah.

But it's more than being afraid. I am sad. Even though seeking medical attention was always something I thought we'd have to do, there is a difference in figuring that eventually you'll have to go to a doctor and actually making the appointment...  I am sad because I want to give my husband a child. I have wanted that since before we even got engaged, and every year I told myself the time wasn't right and that I should re-assess in one year. I have waited the "appropriate" amount of time, I have graduated college, I have gotten a good job, I have paid off most of our debt. I have done the responsible thing, so why not now? Why shouldn't this happen?

I am sad because, honestly, not being able to do this naturally (yet -- there's still hope that it could happen naturally during this process) makes me feel a little less like a woman. To me, this is the ultimate form of femininity. And it's something I can't achieve on my own. It feels like this is a huge part of what I was born to do. Around here, that is what women do. In fact last week during nursery your daughter asked me where my baby was. I told her I didn't have one, but she couldn't seem to grasp that adult women don't have babies. She asked me if my baby was at home. She asked me if my baby was in my tummy. (I'm not saying that to make you feel uncomfortable. It didn't make me uncomfortable or sad or anything like that. It was cute and she was sweet. This is just the perfect example of what is expected of women here... even toddlers know that girls grow up and become mommies) It's funny how living in a small town in the South is a lot like living in the Old Testament in that regard.

On Other People's Pregnancies

A lot of people around me seem to be getting pregnant. I know that I'm probably more sensitive to it now than when we weren't TTC.

But, I just found out the BFF is accidentally pregnant on the day I started. During the cycle of hope (cycle 11), she texted me saying that she thought she might be. I ignored it because, honestly, she always thinks she might be pregnant. Well this time was different. She actually is. And she was worried because this wasn't in their plans. I almost blew my freaking lid. REALLY? And then AF arrived not even 5 minutes after I got the news.

She went to the doctor with her husband of 2 months. They found out that they are expecting for real. They are now getting excited about it.

I threw a pity party for myself. Sobbed on the phone to my stepmother. And ate ice cream.

Now, it's back to reality.

And, honestly, the worst part about it is how I reacted. How upset I was/am about it. She is my best friend. I should be ecstatic for her. But I am jealous. And angry that it was so easy for her to get pregnant while I am moving into the infertility treatment phase of my life. And it hurts that she is the person I would normally cry to when something like this happens, but I can't do that in this situation.


There is a huge part of me is really happy for her though. She deserves the best. I think it was just the shock and timing. Plus, OMG, my BFF is having a baby!!!!! :D

On Taking the Next Step

So, AF was really late. Like 5 days late. I began to actually get my hopes up. Honestly, I'm so regular that I haven't had to do any kind of pregnancy tests over the course of this year (last time we tried to get pregnant I really had no idea what we were doing, so I peed on a ton of sticks). This time was different. I'd never been so late before. Hopes are soaring. I took a test. Negative. Shook it off because, hey, there is such a thing as false negatives... I decided to take a test each morning until I ran out of my three pack of tests. All were negative. I started spotting on Sunday. Yesterday it happened. I can say with absolute certainty that cycle 11 was not our cycle. Over the past 2 weeks I have been considering moving forward and making an appointment with a reproductive doctor. I told myself I would wait it out and see if cycle 11 worked. Obviously it didn't. So yesterday I called ART and scheduled an initial consultation for me and Josh for Nov. 19. I'm scared. I'm nervous. I think infertility has always been lurking in the back of my mind. Now we've crossed from TTC to beginning infertility treatment. That's a huge step. It wasn't taken lightly. It's still scary because I don't want to admit there is something wrong with either of us. And I certainly don't want to think about the possibility of not having a baby. And honestly, I really hate to write this, but the financial aspect of infertility scares me. We are secure now, but I'm scared about having to pay thousands of dollars in one lump sum before we begin a treatment that might not even work. Also? J doesn't seem to care. And that bothers me. Am I forcing this on us? He is the one who has wanted a baby for-ev-er. I know men don't talk about their feelings, but I feel like he's leaving these big decisions up to me. I know he doesn't have to think/plan for pregnancy quite as much as I do, but I would still love to have some sort of I don't know... affirmation? I want him to tell me he agrees and that this is something he thinks we should do, not just.. "Ok... Whatever you think..." All of this makes me think we need to have a talk.