Privacy & TTC

I decided to make this blog private because this is more about a safe place to record my thoughts than broadcasting myself over the internet. Maybe eventually I will make this public if there is anything to share.

Mostly, I chose to make this private because I want to reflect on the things that are happening to this young wife. And some of those things J & I have decided to keep as quiet as possible. Like TTC. I'm pretty sure everyone knows/assumes/expects that we are, but that doesn't mean I want them to know all the details.

As of now, we are on cycle 4. I'm on CD 25. Usually I have a 26-27 day cycle, but I O'ed late this month, so I think my cycle will be more like 30ish days.

I have been temping since January & using OPKs (starting CD 12 until I get a temp shift) since February.

It's strange because I always thought that it would be an accident. I never expected to have to work for something like this. Maybe that's why it hasn't happened yet. Maybe God wants to teach me patience & make me work for it so that I will love my baby that much more when/if it happens.

But it's hard to remember that. I constantly have to remind myself that normal healthy couples can take up to 1 year to conceive (both of J's sibs spent 10 months trying for one baby). But no matter how much reminding I do, the scary thought of infertility is still in the back of my mind. What if something is wrong with me? What if something is wrong with J? What if we can never have any children? It's hard to quiet those thoughts (& all the jealousy that comes along with finding out friends are expecting their 4th child) after three failed attempts. This is probably my first real experience having to trust in God's timing. It's funny that I spent so many years avoiding pregnancy & once I've finally made the decision that I was ready (J was ready for a little while before me), it just won't seem to happen. I know that God is preparing me. I know that there is a plan. I know that I have to just trust in Him. And I have to remind myself daily.

Dear Monday

Linking up with Megan today.

Dear Monday, Here we go again... except this time it's April! Wow. This year is flying. Seems like last week we were hit by the tornado, but here we are over two months since then still cleaning still rebuilding still putting our lives back together.

Dear Body, please cooperate with me and make me a baby. I spent so many years avoiding pregnancy & now all I want is to become a mother...

Dear Weekend, you were awesome. I loved getting to spend so much time with J shopping, watching plays, going out to eat, and generally doing a lot of nothing. Can you happen more often?

Dear Bangs, You were a great decision.

Dear Self Control/Motivation, where have you been lately?

New Years Resolution: January

Remember my resolution to do something new every month? Well, January is almost over so I'm kind of phoning it in on this one.

For the month of January, I (well, both J & I) had the baby talk and have started taking steps toward beginning that process.

Right after we got married the baby fever hit me, and I managed to tell myself the timing wasn't right... And it definitely wasn't. For as long as we've been together the timing has been wrong due to our circumstances (living arrangement/finances/school/insurance/etc). I've told myself and J that I want certain conditions to be in place before TTC. First, I had to graduate college. There was really no debating about that. Second we had to be living in a house or apartment by ourselves (due to timing of apartment leases we had a roommate for the first 9 months of our marriage, then my job called for us to live in a hotel for about 1 year). Third, I demanded that we have our debt under $10,000 (and we are so close to that). And finally, we needed insurance. Somehow the planets have aligned this month and pretty much all of those things have been achieved. Crazy. So now that the basic requirements have been met, we've discussed it and made a few more requirements (mostly about losing weight and gaining money) and started making plans. Part of the plans include educating myself about this whole process because for as long as I remember I've only educated myself in NOT getting knocked up. Another part includes educating ourselves about raising a tiny human. So we signed up for a small group at church for parents/new parents/not parents yet. We really hope this will be stimulating and encouraging, because honestly the thought of raising a human kind of scares the crap out of me. Don't get me wrong it makes me feel great and excited too, but there is a lot of fear there. Just trying to be honest.

So, run down of January: met all the basic requirements (set at the beginning of our marriage) for TTC, had a baby talk with J, made a few new requirements (lose weight for a healthy pregnancy, plump up our savings, pay down some more debt), and will begin educating ourselves. See? Told you I was phoning it in... But this is kind of a big deal for us.

We know ultimately it will be in the hands of God, but there's nothing wrong with a little preparation, right?