J's mom invited me to a Bible Study over the summer. It was about 6 of the 7 Deadly Sins. I enjoyed it, and I liked getting to know some ladies at SRCC a little better. Well, at the end of that study, they invited me back for the next one. This is by Kelly Minter & it's about having no other gods, and about how we can turn things that are precious to us into idols.
Man, it is really hitting close to home. This is the second week and it has me looking back over the past decisions. In this week, we studied both Sarah (& Abram) & Hannah. Both women had fertility problems. Each woman handled it differently. Sarah took the problem into her own hands and sent her husband to conceive with her maid, Hagar, and that resulted in Ishmael. Hannah prayed to the Lord from her deepest anguish and grief. And the Lord heard her and gave her Samuel. Long story short, I identified more with Sarah.
But now that I know I'm more of a Sarah and I want to be a Hannah, I've looked back in my short life to see if there were any hardships.
J lost his job 6 months into our marriage. I tried to be a Sarah and made plans and lists and goals etc etc etc, but this particular situation forced me to be a Hannah. It forced me to take my "helping hands" out of the process, and to leave everything up to God. And wow... He most certainly came through. He blessed us more than I could've ever dreamed with two part time jobs for J (which he loves much more than his original job), a new job at a hotel for me that also included a FREE HOTEL ROOM to live in. So we were able to not only catch up on our debts but to pay some things off completely!
It's amazing how when I stop interfering with God's plan, He blesses me beyond what I ever dreamed about in the first place.
Now, to apply that to life today because it's easy to look back and see how God blessed me when I know the end of the story, it's harder to do that right now because I don't know the ending. But, I think back to those few months of struggle and I remember then that I didn't know the end of the story. I remember sobbing in my car on the way to class and I remember when I finally said that I wasn't strong enough to handle this on my own. I can't do it by myself, only God can help me get through that difficult time. I wonder if I had known how that story was going to end if I would have been so reliant on God.
And I think the same holds true for Hannah and it applies to me today. It is because I don't know the end to this scary conception journey that I have to rely so heavily on the Lord.
Another thing that one of the ladies brought up last night is that in 1 Samuel 1:18 after her prayer and conversation with Eli, "she went her way and ate something and her face was no longer downcast." She had already sought the Lord and was happy before she ever conceived Samuel. Another lady last night said that her pain brought her focus on the Lord and He became her source of happiness (not having a child). I'm paraphrasing, but that struck me. For a lot of 2011 and almost all of 2012 I have been so pre-occupied with getting pregnant that pregnancy has become a source of happiness (and bitterness when it happens to other people). I want the Lord to be the source of my happiness. When I look back over the last 1.5ish years all I can remember doing is trying to get pregnant and studying about getting pregnant and researching pregnancy etc etc etc. I don't want to look back at the rest of the time on this journey and think I wasn't really living.
That's part of the reason I began baking recently, I need a hobby. But more importantly, that's part of the reason I caved when J asked me to be a part of the media team at our church. I want to use this time to soak in the Lord and to spread His news. I am so much more than my difficulty to conceive. It's about time I start acting that way. And through the rest of this journey (however long it may be) and through the next journey I want God to be the center of my life and I want to spend my days glorifying Him.
