On Other People's Pregnancies

A lot of people around me seem to be getting pregnant. I know that I'm probably more sensitive to it now than when we weren't TTC.

But, I just found out the BFF is accidentally pregnant on the day I started. During the cycle of hope (cycle 11), she texted me saying that she thought she might be. I ignored it because, honestly, she always thinks she might be pregnant. Well this time was different. She actually is. And she was worried because this wasn't in their plans. I almost blew my freaking lid. REALLY? And then AF arrived not even 5 minutes after I got the news.

She went to the doctor with her husband of 2 months. They found out that they are expecting for real. They are now getting excited about it.

I threw a pity party for myself. Sobbed on the phone to my stepmother. And ate ice cream.

Now, it's back to reality.

And, honestly, the worst part about it is how I reacted. How upset I was/am about it. She is my best friend. I should be ecstatic for her. But I am jealous. And angry that it was so easy for her to get pregnant while I am moving into the infertility treatment phase of my life. And it hurts that she is the person I would normally cry to when something like this happens, but I can't do that in this situation.


There is a huge part of me is really happy for her though. She deserves the best. I think it was just the shock and timing. Plus, OMG, my BFF is having a baby!!!!! :D

On Taking the Next Step

So, AF was really late. Like 5 days late. I began to actually get my hopes up. Honestly, I'm so regular that I haven't had to do any kind of pregnancy tests over the course of this year (last time we tried to get pregnant I really had no idea what we were doing, so I peed on a ton of sticks). This time was different. I'd never been so late before. Hopes are soaring. I took a test. Negative. Shook it off because, hey, there is such a thing as false negatives... I decided to take a test each morning until I ran out of my three pack of tests. All were negative. I started spotting on Sunday. Yesterday it happened. I can say with absolute certainty that cycle 11 was not our cycle. Over the past 2 weeks I have been considering moving forward and making an appointment with a reproductive doctor. I told myself I would wait it out and see if cycle 11 worked. Obviously it didn't. So yesterday I called ART and scheduled an initial consultation for me and Josh for Nov. 19. I'm scared. I'm nervous. I think infertility has always been lurking in the back of my mind. Now we've crossed from TTC to beginning infertility treatment. That's a huge step. It wasn't taken lightly. It's still scary because I don't want to admit there is something wrong with either of us. And I certainly don't want to think about the possibility of not having a baby. And honestly, I really hate to write this, but the financial aspect of infertility scares me. We are secure now, but I'm scared about having to pay thousands of dollars in one lump sum before we begin a treatment that might not even work. Also? J doesn't seem to care. And that bothers me. Am I forcing this on us? He is the one who has wanted a baby for-ev-er. I know men don't talk about their feelings, but I feel like he's leaving these big decisions up to me. I know he doesn't have to think/plan for pregnancy quite as much as I do, but I would still love to have some sort of I don't know... affirmation? I want him to tell me he agrees and that this is something he thinks we should do, not just.. "Ok... Whatever you think..." All of this makes me think we need to have a talk.