CD1

Yesterday was CD1. I got to go to ART this morning and have my fasting & baseline tests done this morning. I didn't realize that my baseline tests were through a vaginal ultrasound! That was definitely something I was not prepared for. Ultimately, it was uncomfortable, but not too difficult. I really loved my nurse. Unfortunately, I had to spend another $45 today on tests. Add that to the $95 we spent last time, and Baby Nerd is already costing us. Don't forget about the prescriptions. Luckily I've been able to get generics, so I've only paid $15.00, but I can't imagine how mind blowing-ly expensive it would be if we didn't have such good insurance.

My baselines showed one small cyst on my left ovary. It measured 1.9, so they said I can continue with the original plan of taking clomid on days 5-9. Then I start doing OPK's on day 12. If I haven't gotten 2 lines by CD 14, they want me to come in on CD 15 in the morning for my surge appointment. I have to BD 2-6 hours before the surge appointment, so I guess we get to have super early morning s-e-x.
My surge appointment will include a post coital test (to see how his guys are doing once they're in the cervical fluid) and another vaginal ultrasound (at least I'm prepared this time!) to measure my follicles. Once my follicles measure 1.8, they will administer my HCG trigger shot.  Then I think we're gonna BD some more just to make sure... unless we are told not to.

I also got to schedule my HSG for next Tuesday the 4th. I'm getting pretty nervous.

I had to have a talk with my boss today. Told him I'm having "feminine problems" and have to go to the doctor pretty much at least once each week for the next month. He was much more supportive than I expected (he only started working there about 1.5 weeks ago...) and told me that he and his wife had difficulty trying to conceive their second daughter 20+ years ago. I think he will be a tremendous help and a great boss especially through this process.

My test results from this morning came back pretty good. Everything was normal except for the fact that my insulin is elevated so now I'm being prescribed glucophage (metformin) on top of my clomid and vitamin d supplements. Currently, I'm doing more research on glucophage/metformin and other natural ways to get my insulin in check. I feel like I may be pre-disposed to having diabetes because it runs in my mother's family and because I'm way overweight and love sweets. Also, the cyst. But the nurse said that was nothing to worry about because some women have a small cyst around the beginning of their cycle.

I feel like so much has happened on the baby front. But there actually really hasn't been a whole lot of stuff going on. I guess it feels that way because this process makes fertility right in the front of your mind. I feel like I've been able to focus on other things (when I needed to) in the last year, but this first month of infertility treatment/monitoring has just put so much focus on TTC... and it's only CD 2!!!

On Infertility

Technically, the definition for infertility is trying for 12 months without conceiving a child. And technically we are only at month 11 (cycle 12). But, I was able to jump the gun and schedule a consult with ART of Alabama. This is what they have determined:

Josh: Semen Analysis came back great. He was well above their minimum requirements. Blood work came back fine except that he has Vitamin D insufficiency. His level was 28 and they generally like to see 30-100 in the blood work. J is on a prescription strength vitamin d supplement for 6 weeks.

Me:
The doctor thinks I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome based on my weight, oily skin, inability to get pregnant etc. My bloodwork came back with Vitamin D Insufficiency as well, so I am also taking the prescription supplements. My bloodwork also revealed that I have low Progesterone (which the doctor said she suspected before they began all the tests & stuff). So, because of the low Progesterone and suspected PCOS, they will prescribe me Clomid on CD 5-9. But before that I have to do a few more tests. On CD1, I will call to schedule baselines & fasting labs on one day (between CDs 1-4) and my HSG on a separate day (between CDs 4-12). The HSG is an x-ray where the doctor injects dye into my uterus and tubes to see if there are any blockages. I'm very nervous about this test because I hear it is pretty painful.
Then I begin taking 100 mg Clomid daily on CD 5-9. They will do an ultrasound to monitor the growth of my follicles. The nurse said we need 1.8 cm follicles. I will do OPK's on my own at home and call on the day 2 lines show up (doesn't matter how faint). I'm supposed to call to schedule my HCG trigger shot. They will also do a post coital test so they can see how the sperm are doing in my cervical mucus at this appointment. So J & I have to BD 2-6 hours before I got to the doctor. 1 week after ovulation I will go back so they can monitor my levels (progesterone, I believe) and 2 weeks after ovulation I will go back for a blood pregnancy test. They said not to take a home pregnancy test because it can give a false positive because of he HCG shot.
And that's my first cycle with them. It'll be a monitored Clomid cycle.

Honestly, at first I was so optimistic and uplifted and felt like it was absolutely going to happen this first time. But the more time that passes the more worried I get. I really really really hope it works on this first round. I hope our problem with conceiving is just that I needed a couple of drugs to aid in the process. I'm happy to know what's wrong and to have a course of action. But I'm getting scared that this course is not enough. I'm scared that the problems are bigger than we know. I tell myself not think this way. Focus on the good. There is a plan. There is action being taken. We can finally confirm that there is something wrong with me, which is the first step to finding a remedy.

To Bethany

(Last night I told the ladies in my Bible Study that J & I have moved forward and made an appointment with an infertility doctor. One of the ladies, Bethany, asked me what I was afraid of.)


Last night you asked me what I was afraid of. And I answered that I was afraid that nothing could be done. But the more I think about it, the more I think that is probably the dumbest answer out there. I mean, didn't we just spend the last few weeks discussing how mighty our God is? How He can raise people from the dead? How He can provide exactly what is needed (like the ram)?

I'm not afraid that nothing can be done, because I know that if it is God's will, it will be done. What I'm afraid of is myself. Throughout this study we talked about functional gods and personally mine is success. I'm afraid I will fail. I'm afraid the doctor will tell me to lose weight and I won't be able to. I'm afraid it will cost more money than we can save up. I am afraid I will not be patient enough. I'm afraid that I'm a Sarai when I should be a Hannah.

But it's more than being afraid. I am sad. Even though seeking medical attention was always something I thought we'd have to do, there is a difference in figuring that eventually you'll have to go to a doctor and actually making the appointment...  I am sad because I want to give my husband a child. I have wanted that since before we even got engaged, and every year I told myself the time wasn't right and that I should re-assess in one year. I have waited the "appropriate" amount of time, I have graduated college, I have gotten a good job, I have paid off most of our debt. I have done the responsible thing, so why not now? Why shouldn't this happen?

I am sad because, honestly, not being able to do this naturally (yet -- there's still hope that it could happen naturally during this process) makes me feel a little less like a woman. To me, this is the ultimate form of femininity. And it's something I can't achieve on my own. It feels like this is a huge part of what I was born to do. Around here, that is what women do. In fact last week during nursery your daughter asked me where my baby was. I told her I didn't have one, but she couldn't seem to grasp that adult women don't have babies. She asked me if my baby was at home. She asked me if my baby was in my tummy. (I'm not saying that to make you feel uncomfortable. It didn't make me uncomfortable or sad or anything like that. It was cute and she was sweet. This is just the perfect example of what is expected of women here... even toddlers know that girls grow up and become mommies) It's funny how living in a small town in the South is a lot like living in the Old Testament in that regard.