After the c-section, we stayed at the hospital from Friday morning to Monday morning. On Friday we had several family visitors. Mimsy, Pops, Lola/Lolly, Gigi & Noble, Grammy & Grandaddy, Uncle Dillon, Uncle Joe & Hannah, and Nana came to visit. I'm sure there were more visitors, but again I was pumped full of morphine so that whole day was kind of a blur.
R has been a great baby. He slept a lot, but when he was awake he was very alert and hardly ever got fussy (unless he was hungry). Plus, he's so stinking cute!!! That afternoon I opted to get off the morphine and go to painkillers. Everyone said I was pretty lucid to be on morphine, but it made me so tired. I slept on and off pretty much all morning. Changing to the painkillers allowed me to eat solids (although maybe that was just due to the amount of time that had passed since my surgery) & be mobile! Plus I was able to clean up a little... which was nice.
Saturday morning, Baby boy had his circumcision. I was taking a shower when the nurse brought him back. He was very fussy, but the nurse said that most babies tend to fall into a deep sleep after they've had their circumcision. This was not the case with Baby R. In fact, when they brought him back and he was crying I just sat on the bed and sobbed for my sweet little guy who was in pain. Poor J had two babies to take care of that morning. Of course Saturday was the day a lot of extended family and friends chose to visit. My poor baby was being passed around after having had his little surgery. Plus we had a lot of problems with breastfeeding so he was probably starving. In hindsight, I wish I had talked to lactation that day to help feed him. Maybe that would've helped him sleep a little better that day. Saturday was really the only day that he was pretty fussy.
Speaking of fussy and breastfeeding.... we had so many problems. Ultimately he ended up losing 12% of his body weight and we decided to supplement. This portion will probably be a little TMI, but since this blog is mostly for me anyways, I'm going to include it. There were several contributing factors. First, he had a difficult time latching and keeping his latch. The lactation consultant suggested that my anatomy was not big enough to stimulate R's sucking and gave me a nipple shield to use. That seemed to help a little. He was able to latch but would spend hours at the breast working for food and when we were finished he was still fussy and chewing on his hands. Plus, my fingers
Also at home, we continued trying to make R nurse at the breast and it was just torture for both of us. Even with the nipple shield R was having a difficult time, plus I was not really producing anything for my baby to eat (although when I pumped there was something coming out). At this point we were breast feeding for like 20 minutes total (he would get fussy and I would get frustrated), then I was pumping for about 30-45 minutes (15-20 min on each side), then J was bottle feeding him with formula. This was taking forever, especially when you consider having to wash the pump parts after all was said and done. And we were supposed to be doing this every 2-3 hours! After talking to J, I decided to cut out the breastfeeding portion. It wasn't working and only made both of us frustrated. I decided to move to pumping exclusively and supplementing with formula. But OMG, this is just as much work as breastfeeding. There are so many times when I'm hooked to the pump while someone else is holding my baby that I am cursing my nipples wishing I could just breastfeed my baby so that we could finally bond. (Spoiler alert, bonding/attachment is still coming along, albeit very slowly...) Plus his big time weight loss caused me even more stress. I knew that because we were using breast milk that him gaining weight was really solely my responsibility. Add that to all the difficulties with breastfeeding and time spent hooked to a pump (away from my baby) and it was just a bad combination.
By Tuesday evening the Baby Blues were in full force. I remember being in the middle of pumping on the couch while R was asleep and J was in the kitchen when they started. J & I had just gotten back from picking up dinner at my mom's house & the car was running incredibly rough & the check engine light on my old car started flashing on the way back. I guess I was thinking about that while I was pumping & I just started feeling so overwhelmed and anxious about Ryker and kind of wondering what we had gotten into and then I felt like a terrible mother because that's not how mothers are supposed to feel when they think about their baby. And I just started crying. And then it wouldn't stop. I had to quit pumping because I couldn't keep still enough for the pump to really do its job. I couldn't eat or drink or do anything but just sit on the couch and sob. And once it started, it lasted forever. I think I ended up crying myself to sleep that night. The same thing happened Wednesday afternoon. It was a full body experience. I kept thinking there's no way I can take care of a baby when this happens, there's no way I can be alone with him (luckily he had been asleep every time this happened). It scared me so much that I called my doctor's office and asked to speak with a doctor when I came in for my staple removal on Friday. Then I cried on and off for the rest of the day and eventually cried myself to sleep. (I found out today that I busted about 6 of my c-section staples loose and can only think all of the full body sobbing is what caused it.)
Other than crying, pumping, and changing diapers we've spent most of the week lounging around the house trying to establish some kind of routine. He's actually a very good sleeper now that he's getting enough to eat, but he did have a couple of nights of fussy time (caused by gas) from around 9-ish-11-ish. We are working on trying to keep him awake a little more during the day in hopes that he sleeps a little better at night. His sleeping is a little wonky, but on average I would say that he sleeps about 2.5-3 hours at a time. When we first came home I was waking him up to feed him on a schedule because of my anxiety about his weight loss, but we have since been a little more lax about feeding schedule and a little more focused on sleeping schedule. We try to keep him up from about 7pm-8pm in hopes that once he goes down he will sleep pretty well. In general he's gone to bed around 8:30, wakes up around 11pm-midnight and again around 2:30 -3:30am to have a diaper change and eat. Although last night he woke up again at 4 and again at 5:30 to eat. I think the growing boy might need some bigger portions when he eats. (We had worked our way up to 2 oz at a time, but now I'm thinking he may need 3 oz). During the day, we tend to be ok with him sleeping in the morning, but wake him up a few times in the late morning and early afternoon and again we try to keep him awake from 7-8ish at night.
We have had a couple of visitors this week, mostly grandparents but we also had a friend from my Bible study brought us dinner and a friend from work came to visit.
On Thursday, Baby R had his one week pediatrician appointment. It was so nerve wracking for me to get him out of the house. We had to get all of our baby gear together (including my trusty pump in case we were out of the house for longer than 2 hours!) and get baby R ready for a 9:15 appointment. (Next time we are dong a little bit later, because we were a few minutes late.) The doctor said everything looks great and was great about answering all of our questions. But, the best news of all is that he weighed 7 lbs 3oz!!!!!
Today, I had my staples removed (and of course about 1/2 of them had been busted loose) and spoke to a doctor about some of my post-partum concerns. She said that my numb fingers and swollen ankles & feet are just normal symptoms (carpal tunnel & just regular swellin) and should get better slowly. I also talked to her about the crazy crying episodes and emotional roller coaster I've been on in the last few days. She reassured me that this was typical, but that I should let grandparents help if I'm scared to be alone with the baby (for fear of not being able to take care of him when the crying starts). After about 10 minutes of questions - many of which were about breastfeeding - she told me that she had the same problem with her first child. She had latching issues and tried to pump and then felt isolated from family and friends and was angry about not being able to bond with her own baby (seriously, it was like hearing my own story)... ultimately she suggested that I consider stopping the pumping since that seems to be the source of my anxiety stemming from Ryker. She presented it to me very logically. The main reasons for breastfeeding are for the mother/baby bonding and because of the nutrition my milk would provide. But, if I'm locked in another room hooked up to a pump while everyone else in the world gets to hold my baby then there's no mother/baby bonding. I just get angry about it and sad... and maybe start to cry a little. And then there's no stopping the crying and I'm pretty much a waste until I fall asleep. She also addressed the health benefits saying that while there are some benefits to breastmilk, formula has come a long way recently and will provide the nutrients Ryker needs. And which one is more important, really? Bonding with my baby & him having a happy, healthy momma or having someone else give him a bottle of half breastmilk/half formula?
I was honest and told her that the we couldn't afford to formula feed and she suggested that we investigate WIC now that we are a family of 3. So I will be looking into that soon. She also said that the off brands are pretty much the same as the name brand and that she used the Wal-Mart Parents Choice brand formula for all 3 of her kids. (Plus my parents said no one is gonna let this baby starve & graciously offered to help if we are ever in a bind.)
She also said that I needed to sleep and after talking about sleep and my inability to shut down she wrote me prescription for sleep aids on the condition that I have someone else available to watch Ryker for at least 6 hours because that's how long it takes for the medicine to leave my body. Sleeping has been a major issue... I just cannot make myself lie down to go to sleep... even when people are here taking care of the baby... (see that? see how I would rather let other people take care of my baby? I would much rather just let someone else hold him while I pump/clean pump parts etc. In fact, I'm making my stepmother feed/burp/rock Ryker while I sit here and type out all of this word vomit.)
After talking to the doctor, I left the office feeling so relieved. It was seriously like a weight or a veil has been lifted. There is just so much pressure to be the perfect mom and for some reason hearing that a doctor chose these other options makes me feel very relieved.
I talked with J when we got home from the doctor. He was just not as supportive of the idea of quitting pumping. He has been very pro-pumping/breastfeeding from the beginning. But I think his reasons are more related to health and money. Unfortunately, I couldn't quite explain what the doctor said as well as she said it. J is still not convinced that this is the best thing to do. But he's also not the one missing out on sleep, family, bonding with baby, freedom to be out of the house for longer than 2 hours and everything else that I will have to give up to be able to pump. (Andplusalso, he doesn't have to deal with the stress that comes with being the milk producer for a hungry, growing baby.)
We came to a compromise though. I will still pump daily, but I will no longer do it every 2 hours. I am slowly stretching it out to allow myself about 4 hours between pumping sessions right now. And most importantly I'm making time with Ryker a priority over pumping. I will eventually get to the point where I pump about 3-4x/day until my supply runs out.
This post has turned into me complaining about my problems more than it has been about Ryker, but what is there to say about a one week old that I haven't already covered? He had feeding problems and a lot of weight loss, then he started gaining weight like a champ. Now, he eats, sleeps, and poops; and we try to keep him awake for a few hours in the day to help him sleep more consistently at night. That's about it.
Happy One Week, Baby Ryker!
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