Privacy & TTC

I decided to make this blog private because this is more about a safe place to record my thoughts than broadcasting myself over the internet. Maybe eventually I will make this public if there is anything to share.

Mostly, I chose to make this private because I want to reflect on the things that are happening to this young wife. And some of those things J & I have decided to keep as quiet as possible. Like TTC. I'm pretty sure everyone knows/assumes/expects that we are, but that doesn't mean I want them to know all the details.

As of now, we are on cycle 4. I'm on CD 25. Usually I have a 26-27 day cycle, but I O'ed late this month, so I think my cycle will be more like 30ish days.

I have been temping since January & using OPKs (starting CD 12 until I get a temp shift) since February.

It's strange because I always thought that it would be an accident. I never expected to have to work for something like this. Maybe that's why it hasn't happened yet. Maybe God wants to teach me patience & make me work for it so that I will love my baby that much more when/if it happens.

But it's hard to remember that. I constantly have to remind myself that normal healthy couples can take up to 1 year to conceive (both of J's sibs spent 10 months trying for one baby). But no matter how much reminding I do, the scary thought of infertility is still in the back of my mind. What if something is wrong with me? What if something is wrong with J? What if we can never have any children? It's hard to quiet those thoughts (& all the jealousy that comes along with finding out friends are expecting their 4th child) after three failed attempts. This is probably my first real experience having to trust in God's timing. It's funny that I spent so many years avoiding pregnancy & once I've finally made the decision that I was ready (J was ready for a little while before me), it just won't seem to happen. I know that God is preparing me. I know that there is a plan. I know that I have to just trust in Him. And I have to remind myself daily.

Proud Big Sister

Dude, my brother is in a band.

Saturday 4/14/2012, the band played in the S.O.S. Musicfest II. And. Joe. Was. Awesome.

I'm so proud of him. He is a wonderfully talented drummer, adorable, and one of the most genuine people I know. He has such a big heart and such unwavering faith in God. He is really going to make some girl very lucky one day, provided she passes all the tests set forth by his mother (& me).

Here are some pictures. I found them on facebook. Courtesy of this album. Because, let's face it, J is the photographer & I don't even know how to work a camera.

Actually, this picture is courtesy of my phone.

The rest are from the SOS Music Fest album.

Ladies & Gentlemen, please meet my brother, the drummer.

He's really into it.

He cracks me up!

Everyday But Friday put on an excellent show. And they will spend next weekend recording some stuff in Atlanta for Capitol Records.

New Years Resolution: March & Saying Goodbye

I really dropped the ball on my New Year's Resolution this month. I didn't force myself to experience anything new. But I did force myself to say goodbye to some of my favorite people in the world.

Jenise & Fran have worked so hard for the last decade or so training to be missionaries. When I first met them, they were living in Spokane while Fran was attending Aviation school. Since then, he has graduated, they have started a family, moved across the country (back home to us), moved across the state (twice), said goodbye to Jordan & Hannah & Soly & Grace, took a few support raising road trips, raised the support they needed to go on the mission field, attended workshops on aviation missions and living in a different culture, got assigned to work in Cameroon Africa, and moved to France for language school. They ha

ve been an inspiration to me (& I'm sure to J as well). Through every single experience they have demonstrated amazing faith. I am so proud to be able to call them family. They will be missed while they are in France, but I know everything they do is for the glory of God. And that is definitely consolation for losing some of my friends for a few years.

I wish you the best. Y'all are in my thoughts and prayers. And I cannot

wait to see what amazing things you guys do.

Waiting for their flight. Ready to start the next step of their adventure.

New Years Resolution: January

Remember my resolution to do something new every month? Well, January is almost over so I'm kind of phoning it in on this one.

For the month of January, I (well, both J & I) had the baby talk and have started taking steps toward beginning that process.

Right after we got married the baby fever hit me, and I managed to tell myself the timing wasn't right... And it definitely wasn't. For as long as we've been together the timing has been wrong due to our circumstances (living arrangement/finances/school/insurance/etc). I've told myself and J that I want certain conditions to be in place before TTC. First, I had to graduate college. There was really no debating about that. Second we had to be living in a house or apartment by ourselves (due to timing of apartment leases we had a roommate for the first 9 months of our marriage, then my job called for us to live in a hotel for about 1 year). Third, I demanded that we have our debt under $10,000 (and we are so close to that). And finally, we needed insurance. Somehow the planets have aligned this month and pretty much all of those things have been achieved. Crazy. So now that the basic requirements have been met, we've discussed it and made a few more requirements (mostly about losing weight and gaining money) and started making plans. Part of the plans include educating myself about this whole process because for as long as I remember I've only educated myself in NOT getting knocked up. Another part includes educating ourselves about raising a tiny human. So we signed up for a small group at church for parents/new parents/not parents yet. We really hope this will be stimulating and encouraging, because honestly the thought of raising a human kind of scares the crap out of me. Don't get me wrong it makes me feel great and excited too, but there is a lot of fear there. Just trying to be honest.

So, run down of January: met all the basic requirements (set at the beginning of our marriage) for TTC, had a baby talk with J, made a few new requirements (lose weight for a healthy pregnancy, plump up our savings, pay down some more debt), and will begin educating ourselves. See? Told you I was phoning it in... But this is kind of a big deal for us.

We know ultimately it will be in the hands of God, but there's nothing wrong with a little preparation, right?

Misc: Life

1. It’s difficult to come back to work after a 4 day weekend. But my lovely new skirt makes the transition a little easier.


2. Now that Thanksgiving is over, we’re gearing up for Christmas on Self Lane. It’s my first Christmas in a house (as opposed to a tiny cramped apartment with a roommate, and a hotel room) so we’re a little lacking in the decoration department, but I’m just going to have to “make it work.” But the day after Christmas, I’m definitely going to hit up the sales!


3. I.Love.Pinterest. So so so so very much. It’s a sickness really.


4. Last week, the weather was ah-maz-ing. Now, they’re predicting snow… And, I’m ok with that.


5. As mentioned last week, 2 of my BFFs are getting married next summer (not to each other), and I’m still super excited.


6. My sis-in-law is having a yard sale next week to prepare for their move to France/Africa. I feel like this will be a good opportunity to get rid of some stuff, but I’m afraid I’ll end up buying a bunch of her stuff (cuz she’s adorable & I love her style).

11/11/11

Wow. What a date!

In the last few years Veterans Day has taken on a new meaning for me. I married a Veteran, who is the son of a Veteran. I now work for an office seemingly full of Veterans. My best friends family members of veterans or active military... And to all of those people I want to give a very very heartfelt thanks. To every veteran and active duty member of the armed forces: Thank you so much. Not just today, but every single day. We wouldn't have this without you.

image via pinterest.

A Struggle With My Old Life

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and today I woke up feeling burdened to get this off my chest.

I am a Christian. But, this is a fairly recent development. I mean, I was baptized when I was little, but after that I went my own way. In high school, I proudly declared that I didn't believe in God. I even admit to taking it a step further and making fun of many Christians and their crazy belief in this... deity. I couldn't understand how anyone could have faith in something when there was no proof. It really made absolutely no sense to me. And if I'm being really truthful, sometimes it still doesn't completely make sense. After meeting J & his family and beginning to go to church & read the Bible, and reflecting, and going through my own set of trials, and being rescued by something unearthly, and just... feeling, I realized that Christians weren't wrong. I was. But, I still struggle almost daily with this past life of unbelief. I find myself questioning myself in the same ridiculing manner of high school. How could someone really be resurrected? How could someone willingly sacrifice themselves? How can I be sure of all these things I (am supposed to) believe? What kind of fool just believes one book to be proof? Honestly, it just doesn't make any sense to me.

But, about a month ago I was reading and this passage just stood out to me and my desire to know everything:

1 Corinthians 2:6-16

⁶ We do, however, speak a message of wisdom among the mature, but not the wisdom of this age or of the rulers of this age, who are coming to nothing. ⁷ No, we declare God’s wisdom, a mystery that has been hidden and that God destined for our glory before time began. ⁸ None of the rulers of this age understood it, for if they had, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory. ⁹ However, as it is written:

“What no eye has seen,
what no ear has heard,
and what no human mind has conceived”—
the things God has prepared for those who love him—

¹⁰ these are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit.

The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. ¹¹ For who knows a person’s thoughts except their own spirit within them? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. ¹² What we have received is not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may understand what God has freely given us. ¹³ This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, explaining spiritual realities with Spirit-taught words. ¹⁴ The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God but considers them foolishness, and cannot understand them because they are discerned only through the Spirit. ¹⁵ The person with the Spirit makes judgments about all things, but such a person is not subject to merely human judgments, ¹⁶ for,

“Who has known the mind of the Lord
so as to instruct him?”

But we have the mind of Christ.

This was exactly what I needed to read. Funny how God knows what you need even if you don't. It's nice to read that I was not the only one struggling with "wisdom" and the desire to understand God.

In our small group one day a woman said something to the effect of: "We are only humans with human intellect and only have the capacity to understand humans and our nature. That's one way to know that this story isn't made up by humans, because this story defies human understanding." And that struck me as pretty profound.

It's also comforting to know that I am not the only one who will never fulfill that desire on my own. There is no way for a human alone to understand God. We only have the capacity for human understanding. But the Spirit teaches us.

And mostly, it's encouraging to have this passage to keep my old demons at bay.