My First Experience With Clomid

Sonovabitch.

Clomid was ridiculous.

I usually have very little patience on a normal basis, but with Clomid things that always bothered me a little bit before were magnified a hundred times. I seriously wanted to punch everyone I know in the face.

Luckily, the doctor said that irritability is a common side effect, so I was able to keep the violence to a minimum. But I did "get short"with a lot of people:
1. Co-workers.
2. Facebook.
3. A Sheriff's Deputy.
4. My grandmother.
5. My mother.
6. My stepmother.
7. The worship leader at my church.
8. Anyone driving too slow or too fast.
9. My pregnant BFF.
10. Pretty much every single contractor who came in to City Hall.


In hindsight, I am both proud of myself for never actually losing my temper and just going ape-shit on anyone, but I am also disappointed that I let so many stupid little things bother me. I really hope this cycle worked because I am not sure I can do Clomid for an extended period of time.

(No) Surge Appt

I was told to come in on CD 15 if there was no LH surge detected prior to that. So, I went in yesterday (CD15) for my surge appointment.  We did an ultrasound to measure my follicles & cervial lining. I had one mature follicle & the cervical lining was good... So the nurse did a postcoital test. That was not so great. She couldn't get all the way into my cervix to obtain the last sample, so the lab only had 2 samples to look at. The first sample was taken from in front of my cervix and there were a lot of sperm, but none were moving. The second sample was from the outside opening of my cervix and there were no sperm at all. She said there was a chance that all the fast guys were already in my cervix, but because she couldn't reach that high we don't know for sure.  She decided to go ahead and give me my HCG trigger shot. And it hurts worse now than when the needle was actually in my hip! It feels like a bruise. It's not bad at all, really. Just kinda funny that the needle didn't hurt, but the injection site does. So, anyways, we are supposed to cover for 3 days and I'll go back next week for blood work (to look at my progesterone levels). And I can take a home pregnancy test on the 26th. The nurse said not to take it early to surprise people for Christmas because I could get a false positive. So, I won't because that would be heartbreaking for us.
I'll have to write about my experience with Clomid (it worked, but I was a hot mess) on another day because that is something I definitely want to remember!

CD1

Yesterday was CD1. I got to go to ART this morning and have my fasting & baseline tests done this morning. I didn't realize that my baseline tests were through a vaginal ultrasound! That was definitely something I was not prepared for. Ultimately, it was uncomfortable, but not too difficult. I really loved my nurse. Unfortunately, I had to spend another $45 today on tests. Add that to the $95 we spent last time, and Baby Nerd is already costing us. Don't forget about the prescriptions. Luckily I've been able to get generics, so I've only paid $15.00, but I can't imagine how mind blowing-ly expensive it would be if we didn't have such good insurance.

My baselines showed one small cyst on my left ovary. It measured 1.9, so they said I can continue with the original plan of taking clomid on days 5-9. Then I start doing OPK's on day 12. If I haven't gotten 2 lines by CD 14, they want me to come in on CD 15 in the morning for my surge appointment. I have to BD 2-6 hours before the surge appointment, so I guess we get to have super early morning s-e-x.
My surge appointment will include a post coital test (to see how his guys are doing once they're in the cervical fluid) and another vaginal ultrasound (at least I'm prepared this time!) to measure my follicles. Once my follicles measure 1.8, they will administer my HCG trigger shot.  Then I think we're gonna BD some more just to make sure... unless we are told not to.

I also got to schedule my HSG for next Tuesday the 4th. I'm getting pretty nervous.

I had to have a talk with my boss today. Told him I'm having "feminine problems" and have to go to the doctor pretty much at least once each week for the next month. He was much more supportive than I expected (he only started working there about 1.5 weeks ago...) and told me that he and his wife had difficulty trying to conceive their second daughter 20+ years ago. I think he will be a tremendous help and a great boss especially through this process.

My test results from this morning came back pretty good. Everything was normal except for the fact that my insulin is elevated so now I'm being prescribed glucophage (metformin) on top of my clomid and vitamin d supplements. Currently, I'm doing more research on glucophage/metformin and other natural ways to get my insulin in check. I feel like I may be pre-disposed to having diabetes because it runs in my mother's family and because I'm way overweight and love sweets. Also, the cyst. But the nurse said that was nothing to worry about because some women have a small cyst around the beginning of their cycle.

I feel like so much has happened on the baby front. But there actually really hasn't been a whole lot of stuff going on. I guess it feels that way because this process makes fertility right in the front of your mind. I feel like I've been able to focus on other things (when I needed to) in the last year, but this first month of infertility treatment/monitoring has just put so much focus on TTC... and it's only CD 2!!!

On Infertility

Technically, the definition for infertility is trying for 12 months without conceiving a child. And technically we are only at month 11 (cycle 12). But, I was able to jump the gun and schedule a consult with ART of Alabama. This is what they have determined:

Josh: Semen Analysis came back great. He was well above their minimum requirements. Blood work came back fine except that he has Vitamin D insufficiency. His level was 28 and they generally like to see 30-100 in the blood work. J is on a prescription strength vitamin d supplement for 6 weeks.

Me:
The doctor thinks I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome based on my weight, oily skin, inability to get pregnant etc. My bloodwork came back with Vitamin D Insufficiency as well, so I am also taking the prescription supplements. My bloodwork also revealed that I have low Progesterone (which the doctor said she suspected before they began all the tests & stuff). So, because of the low Progesterone and suspected PCOS, they will prescribe me Clomid on CD 5-9. But before that I have to do a few more tests. On CD1, I will call to schedule baselines & fasting labs on one day (between CDs 1-4) and my HSG on a separate day (between CDs 4-12). The HSG is an x-ray where the doctor injects dye into my uterus and tubes to see if there are any blockages. I'm very nervous about this test because I hear it is pretty painful.
Then I begin taking 100 mg Clomid daily on CD 5-9. They will do an ultrasound to monitor the growth of my follicles. The nurse said we need 1.8 cm follicles. I will do OPK's on my own at home and call on the day 2 lines show up (doesn't matter how faint). I'm supposed to call to schedule my HCG trigger shot. They will also do a post coital test so they can see how the sperm are doing in my cervical mucus at this appointment. So J & I have to BD 2-6 hours before I got to the doctor. 1 week after ovulation I will go back so they can monitor my levels (progesterone, I believe) and 2 weeks after ovulation I will go back for a blood pregnancy test. They said not to take a home pregnancy test because it can give a false positive because of he HCG shot.
And that's my first cycle with them. It'll be a monitored Clomid cycle.

Honestly, at first I was so optimistic and uplifted and felt like it was absolutely going to happen this first time. But the more time that passes the more worried I get. I really really really hope it works on this first round. I hope our problem with conceiving is just that I needed a couple of drugs to aid in the process. I'm happy to know what's wrong and to have a course of action. But I'm getting scared that this course is not enough. I'm scared that the problems are bigger than we know. I tell myself not think this way. Focus on the good. There is a plan. There is action being taken. We can finally confirm that there is something wrong with me, which is the first step to finding a remedy.

To Bethany

(Last night I told the ladies in my Bible Study that J & I have moved forward and made an appointment with an infertility doctor. One of the ladies, Bethany, asked me what I was afraid of.)


Last night you asked me what I was afraid of. And I answered that I was afraid that nothing could be done. But the more I think about it, the more I think that is probably the dumbest answer out there. I mean, didn't we just spend the last few weeks discussing how mighty our God is? How He can raise people from the dead? How He can provide exactly what is needed (like the ram)?

I'm not afraid that nothing can be done, because I know that if it is God's will, it will be done. What I'm afraid of is myself. Throughout this study we talked about functional gods and personally mine is success. I'm afraid I will fail. I'm afraid the doctor will tell me to lose weight and I won't be able to. I'm afraid it will cost more money than we can save up. I am afraid I will not be patient enough. I'm afraid that I'm a Sarai when I should be a Hannah.

But it's more than being afraid. I am sad. Even though seeking medical attention was always something I thought we'd have to do, there is a difference in figuring that eventually you'll have to go to a doctor and actually making the appointment...  I am sad because I want to give my husband a child. I have wanted that since before we even got engaged, and every year I told myself the time wasn't right and that I should re-assess in one year. I have waited the "appropriate" amount of time, I have graduated college, I have gotten a good job, I have paid off most of our debt. I have done the responsible thing, so why not now? Why shouldn't this happen?

I am sad because, honestly, not being able to do this naturally (yet -- there's still hope that it could happen naturally during this process) makes me feel a little less like a woman. To me, this is the ultimate form of femininity. And it's something I can't achieve on my own. It feels like this is a huge part of what I was born to do. Around here, that is what women do. In fact last week during nursery your daughter asked me where my baby was. I told her I didn't have one, but she couldn't seem to grasp that adult women don't have babies. She asked me if my baby was at home. She asked me if my baby was in my tummy. (I'm not saying that to make you feel uncomfortable. It didn't make me uncomfortable or sad or anything like that. It was cute and she was sweet. This is just the perfect example of what is expected of women here... even toddlers know that girls grow up and become mommies) It's funny how living in a small town in the South is a lot like living in the Old Testament in that regard.

On Other People's Pregnancies

A lot of people around me seem to be getting pregnant. I know that I'm probably more sensitive to it now than when we weren't TTC.

But, I just found out the BFF is accidentally pregnant on the day I started. During the cycle of hope (cycle 11), she texted me saying that she thought she might be. I ignored it because, honestly, she always thinks she might be pregnant. Well this time was different. She actually is. And she was worried because this wasn't in their plans. I almost blew my freaking lid. REALLY? And then AF arrived not even 5 minutes after I got the news.

She went to the doctor with her husband of 2 months. They found out that they are expecting for real. They are now getting excited about it.

I threw a pity party for myself. Sobbed on the phone to my stepmother. And ate ice cream.

Now, it's back to reality.

And, honestly, the worst part about it is how I reacted. How upset I was/am about it. She is my best friend. I should be ecstatic for her. But I am jealous. And angry that it was so easy for her to get pregnant while I am moving into the infertility treatment phase of my life. And it hurts that she is the person I would normally cry to when something like this happens, but I can't do that in this situation.


There is a huge part of me is really happy for her though. She deserves the best. I think it was just the shock and timing. Plus, OMG, my BFF is having a baby!!!!! :D

On Taking the Next Step

So, AF was really late. Like 5 days late. I began to actually get my hopes up. Honestly, I'm so regular that I haven't had to do any kind of pregnancy tests over the course of this year (last time we tried to get pregnant I really had no idea what we were doing, so I peed on a ton of sticks). This time was different. I'd never been so late before. Hopes are soaring. I took a test. Negative. Shook it off because, hey, there is such a thing as false negatives... I decided to take a test each morning until I ran out of my three pack of tests. All were negative. I started spotting on Sunday. Yesterday it happened. I can say with absolute certainty that cycle 11 was not our cycle. Over the past 2 weeks I have been considering moving forward and making an appointment with a reproductive doctor. I told myself I would wait it out and see if cycle 11 worked. Obviously it didn't. So yesterday I called ART and scheduled an initial consultation for me and Josh for Nov. 19. I'm scared. I'm nervous. I think infertility has always been lurking in the back of my mind. Now we've crossed from TTC to beginning infertility treatment. That's a huge step. It wasn't taken lightly. It's still scary because I don't want to admit there is something wrong with either of us. And I certainly don't want to think about the possibility of not having a baby. And honestly, I really hate to write this, but the financial aspect of infertility scares me. We are secure now, but I'm scared about having to pay thousands of dollars in one lump sum before we begin a treatment that might not even work. Also? J doesn't seem to care. And that bothers me. Am I forcing this on us? He is the one who has wanted a baby for-ev-er. I know men don't talk about their feelings, but I feel like he's leaving these big decisions up to me. I know he doesn't have to think/plan for pregnancy quite as much as I do, but I would still love to have some sort of I don't know... affirmation? I want him to tell me he agrees and that this is something he thinks we should do, not just.. "Ok... Whatever you think..." All of this makes me think we need to have a talk.

No Other Idols

J's mom invited me to a Bible Study over the summer. It was about 6 of the 7 Deadly Sins. I enjoyed it, and I liked getting to know some ladies at SRCC a little better. Well, at the end of that study, they invited me back for the next one. This is by Kelly Minter & it's about having no other gods, and about how we can turn things that are precious to us into idols.

Man, it is really hitting close to home. This is the second week and it has me looking back over the past decisions. In this week, we studied both Sarah (& Abram) & Hannah. Both women had fertility problems. Each woman handled it differently. Sarah took the problem into her own hands and sent her husband to conceive with her maid, Hagar, and that resulted in Ishmael.  Hannah prayed to the Lord from her deepest anguish and grief. And the Lord heard her and gave her Samuel. Long story short, I identified more with Sarah.

But now that I know I'm more of a Sarah and I want to be a Hannah, I've looked back in my short life to see if there were any hardships.

J lost his job 6 months into our marriage. I tried to be a Sarah and made plans and lists and goals etc etc etc, but this particular situation forced me to be a Hannah. It forced me to take my "helping hands" out of the process, and to leave everything up to God. And wow... He most certainly came through. He blessed us more than I could've ever dreamed with two part time jobs for J (which he loves much more than his original job), a new job at a hotel for me that also included a FREE HOTEL ROOM to live in. So we were able to not only catch up on our debts but to pay some things off completely!
It's amazing how when I stop interfering with God's plan, He blesses me beyond what I ever dreamed about in the first place.

Now, to apply that to life today because it's easy to look back and see how God blessed me when I know the end of the story, it's harder to do that right now because I don't know the ending. But, I think back to those few months of struggle and I remember then that I didn't know the end of the story. I remember sobbing in my car on the way to class and I remember when I finally said that I wasn't strong enough to handle this on my own. I can't do it by myself, only God can help me get through that difficult time. I wonder if I had known how that story was going to end if I would have been so reliant on God.

And I think the same holds true for Hannah and it applies to me today. It is because I don't know the end to this scary conception journey that I have to rely so heavily on the Lord.

Another thing that one of the ladies brought up last night is that in 1 Samuel 1:18 after her prayer and conversation with Eli, "she went her way and ate something and her face was no longer downcast." She had already sought the Lord and was happy before she ever conceived Samuel. Another lady last night said that her pain brought her focus on the Lord and He became her source of happiness (not having a child). I'm paraphrasing, but that struck me. For a lot of 2011 and almost all of 2012 I have been so pre-occupied with getting pregnant that pregnancy has become a source of happiness (and bitterness when it happens to other people). I want the Lord to be the source of my happiness. When I look back over the last 1.5ish years all I can remember doing is trying to get pregnant and studying about getting pregnant and researching pregnancy etc etc etc. I don't want to look back at the rest of the time on this journey and think I wasn't really living.

That's part of the reason I began baking recently, I need a hobby. But more importantly, that's part of the reason I caved when J asked me to be a part of the media team at our church. I want to use this time to soak in the Lord and to spread His news. I am so much more than my difficulty to conceive. It's about time I start acting that way. And through the rest of this journey (however long it may be) and through the next journey I want God to be the center of my life and I want to spend my days glorifying Him.

Financial Updates

So I know this was supposed to be an every three month thing, but I honestly dropped the ball on updating our finances and getting out of debt situation. Maybe this is good, so now I can provide actual numbers for July 2012 (instead of just guesstimates) which would have been three months from the first time I updated on our financial situation:

Best Buy: $628.42 

(We had some financial set backs this spring and early summer which meant I could only pay the minimum payment on this... so we weren't able to pay it off by July. We hope we're back on track now and plan to pay it off in December. p.s. I just paid $80.00 on this today, so my guesstimate for next month is $550 something.)

My personal CC: $1448.73 

(I said I still use this card. Not good, but it was necessary with our earlier situations... mostly having car problems and needing to replace 3 tires  after J took almost 2 weeks off of work etc etc etc. the good news is that my card has expired and I never got sent a replacement. I know I should go to the bank and ask for my replacement, but I think not having my CC to use will help me pay down the balance quicker.)

Compass Visa: $2667.16

Compass Gold: $4875.34 (under 5k on this! Woo Hoo!)

Student Loans: $17,196.50 + $431.66 

(I've decided to include this number just for the sake of having all of my numbers written down so I can look back in a few years and see how far we've gone. I still don't really consider this in the same category as the credit card debt. I consider this more like a car loan or mortgage because it was something that was necessary at the time and helped me to get better jobs now and give me more opportunities in the future.)

I totally found out that one of my previous student loans wasn't consolidated with the rest, so turns out we have an extra bill now. grrrrr. This is one of the things that added to our earlier financial problems. I thought I had updated all my contact info with all my previous lenders, but this one fell through the cracks and the bills didn't get to me until it was 6 months overdue. The payments for this small loan is only $50/month, but the first time I got the bills for this we were so past due that I owed $300.00! Now it's all paid up and I'm only paying the $50/month, but I think the plan is to pay off the BB card this December and pay off this smaller student loan in January or February of 2013. And from there we reevaluate.

J and I thought and talked and prayed about our finances, and ultimately we decided to go back to our original pledges for donating to the church and missionaries. This was a difficult decision and I still struggle with the guilt of not tithing my full 10% every paycheck. It just came down to the fact that we are trying to pay down our debt. We are doing the snowball thing, and there has been no snowball. According to all of my first calculations (when J & I first got married) we  should've been completely out of debt by now. I know that life happens and things don't always go according to my plans. My point is that we had been working so long and hard to claw our way out of debt. When we finally paid off his car and freed up that money it went straight to the tithe, so we were barely breaking even each month (and lots of times I did have to use my credit card to buy a tank of gas, or a gallon of milk or whatever). So, like I said we talked and prayed and thought about it and decided that we have to give what we originally pledged to our church and missions organizations. And we will reevaluate our status in January or February. We really want to be able to go back to tithing our full 10% as soon as possible. Like I said this is something I have struggled with and it's something I still feel guilty about, but this was the decision we had to make after lots of talking and prayers.

Where I'm From

I am from cheese sandwiches, from gritty Ajax cleanser and instant coffee.
I am from the blue house in the alley with the split rail fence and a triangle shaped bathtub in an added-on bathroom.
I am from honeysuckle and freshly mowed grass, and pansies by the mailbox.
I am from coffee anytime and electrifying smiles, from Bonifacio and Maria and Irene and Robert.
I am from game-cheaters, sore losers, and terrible winners.
From "piddle-assing around" and "mind your manners."
I am from questioning and doubt, and finding joy in God's overwhelming grace.
I'm from the Magic City and Hawaiian war brides, the homemade pancit and Christmas tea cakes.
From the boy whose house burnt down on Christmas day, and a disappointed grandmother who always wanted a blue eyed baby.
I am from a bookshelf in the office, a box of school papers on the top shelf of a closet, from catching fireflies, and belly laughs.


Poetry project inspired by George Ella Lyon. Template from this site.

Pin-tastic!

It's been awhile since I've done a post on pinterest. These are some of my recent favorites.

Pizza Quesadillas! From Snixy Kitchen. I actually made these and they were delicious. Seriously. these things are in the dinner menu rotation now. 

Adorable and funny. I have nothing bad to say about this pin. Except that it directs me to a weird page where I assume I'd have to dig around to find this picture.

I told Josh I'm thinking about getting a new tattoo for my 25th(!!!!) birthday. Really like this one from sass a frass. Love this poem, but I don't know if I'd want it tattooed on me. I already have something else in mind for my "Josh tattoo." So... I'm thinking about maybe using this font & placement, but doing something like "for Thou art with me" from Psalm 23... I dunno.

It's still 100 degrees outside, but I'm already getting in the Christmas spirit! My baby brother likes ironic mustaches, this ornament from wanelo could be his present this year.

Speaking of holidays. I am in love with this Thanksgiving/autumnal mantle. This post actually has a year's worth of mantles, but her Thanksgiving mantle is spectacular. I'm so happy our house has a fireplace so I can decorate it for the holidays!

The every girl has a great post about fashion essentials for a woman in her 20's. And since most of my youth was spent trying to be counter-culture and anti consumerist, I often feel completely lost when it comes to fashion (although I really love it) and trying to present myself to the world. It doesn't help that my job is fairly conservative & I have no money to spend on a new work wardrobe.

Last but not least, I found this saying. It's actually a really wonderful short prayer/mantra that helps me to remind myself that I have to trust the Lord in everything. Even if it means giving up all of the fancy dreams I had/have for myself (fabulous career, adoring husband who remembers to put the toilet seat down, awesome body, having a baby when I'm 25, big brick house, car with all the hubcaps, etc etc).

Pinterest, I love you!

I had a dream last night that my doctor gave me Clomid so I could get pregnant. Woke up this morning to discover that this month is another bust. It's really starting to get to me. That was our fifth cycle of actively trying. This month marks the halfway point of 1 year of ttc. On the other hand, I tell myself that this is God's plan. He's making a perfect baby for me and He's making me into a better mother through this wait.

In (probably) related news, I gained a pound this week. Boo. I'm glad it was only a pound, but it is kind of disheartening to feel like you're doing so well through most of the week (until I had a weak moment last night & indulged in ice cream) & see the scale go up rather than down. On the bright side, I've still lost 4lbs from my highest weight (287).

Also, I discovered that one of my student loans was not consolidated with the rest. I also discovered that they did not have my correct information, so the loan company has been sending my bills to an old address under my maiden name. They just got to me at the end of April & I was 5 months overdue!!!!! That won't look great on my credit score. And it has made the last few weeks very tight with money. An unexpected $300.00 bill can do that when you have no savings I guess. Now I understand why Dave Ramsey's Baby Steps are in that particular order. Anyhow, I've got all the past due portion paid & will hopefully be able to get it caught up in June. But this has really put a kink in my getting out of debt plan. Oh well. Back to the drawing board on that!

Wow. I'm not really trying to be such a downer. These are just the things that are weighing on my mind at the moment. I know things are going to get better.

Bolivia

Josh has been in Bolivia for 10 days. He comes home tonight!!! It has been too quiet at home without him, so I'm excited to have him back. But I have enjoyed sleeping in the middle of the bed, so I'll have to see how quickly that habit can be broken. Either way, I'm so ready for him to come home. I missed him more than I thought I would.

The day after J & his dad left for Bolivia, Linda & I started walking in the mornings. We only walk about 1 mile around a lake near our houses, but it's nice to have an exercise buddy who keeps me motivated. It's also been nice to get to know her a little better & spend some one on one time with her. I've really missed having a mother figure, and I don't think I ever realized how much I like it.

This is the week of wedding showers. 2 down & one to go. Last Sunday, was Elishua's bridal shower. I didn't take a lot of pictures, but it was held in one of the hotel conference rooms on campus. Luckily, this building had just done some renovations, so the room we held it in was beautiful! I helped with the decorations. The bridesmaids chose to do a springtime theme, so it was mostly flowers & spring colors. The only bad part was that it seemed a little light on food (which would have been embarrassing if I was responsible for this shower), but luckily all of the ladies who came to the shower were either close family or still-in-college friends, so they didn't judge us. Last night my friend Kristi hosted the lingerie shower for Elishua. She killed it. The whole apartment was decorated in hot pink & zebra. It was super cute. We played fun (& humiliating) games, ate a lot of food, and got to hang out with Elishua. She got a ton of beautiful lingerie. Brett is gonna be one lucky guy. On this Sunday I'm hosting my BFF's first bridal shower of her wedding season. The theme is sunshine (I think I did a post on this earlier) & I'm actually starting to get a little nervous about it. I will have to remember to post pics after the shower.

Privacy & TTC

I decided to make this blog private because this is more about a safe place to record my thoughts than broadcasting myself over the internet. Maybe eventually I will make this public if there is anything to share.

Mostly, I chose to make this private because I want to reflect on the things that are happening to this young wife. And some of those things J & I have decided to keep as quiet as possible. Like TTC. I'm pretty sure everyone knows/assumes/expects that we are, but that doesn't mean I want them to know all the details.

As of now, we are on cycle 4. I'm on CD 25. Usually I have a 26-27 day cycle, but I O'ed late this month, so I think my cycle will be more like 30ish days.

I have been temping since January & using OPKs (starting CD 12 until I get a temp shift) since February.

It's strange because I always thought that it would be an accident. I never expected to have to work for something like this. Maybe that's why it hasn't happened yet. Maybe God wants to teach me patience & make me work for it so that I will love my baby that much more when/if it happens.

But it's hard to remember that. I constantly have to remind myself that normal healthy couples can take up to 1 year to conceive (both of J's sibs spent 10 months trying for one baby). But no matter how much reminding I do, the scary thought of infertility is still in the back of my mind. What if something is wrong with me? What if something is wrong with J? What if we can never have any children? It's hard to quiet those thoughts (& all the jealousy that comes along with finding out friends are expecting their 4th child) after three failed attempts. This is probably my first real experience having to trust in God's timing. It's funny that I spent so many years avoiding pregnancy & once I've finally made the decision that I was ready (J was ready for a little while before me), it just won't seem to happen. I know that God is preparing me. I know that there is a plan. I know that I have to just trust in Him. And I have to remind myself daily.

Proud Big Sister

Dude, my brother is in a band.

Saturday 4/14/2012, the band played in the S.O.S. Musicfest II. And. Joe. Was. Awesome.

I'm so proud of him. He is a wonderfully talented drummer, adorable, and one of the most genuine people I know. He has such a big heart and such unwavering faith in God. He is really going to make some girl very lucky one day, provided she passes all the tests set forth by his mother (& me).

Here are some pictures. I found them on facebook. Courtesy of this album. Because, let's face it, J is the photographer & I don't even know how to work a camera.

Actually, this picture is courtesy of my phone.

The rest are from the SOS Music Fest album.

Ladies & Gentlemen, please meet my brother, the drummer.

He's really into it.

He cracks me up!

Everyday But Friday put on an excellent show. And they will spend next weekend recording some stuff in Atlanta for Capitol Records.

Bridal Showers

Two of my BFFs is getting married this summer! It's so exciting to be a part of this huge part of their lives. To clarify, they're not marrying each other... I've got two weddings to be a part of this summer. The first (Brett) in June & the second (Samantha) in August.

I've known Sam since the fourth grade (1997). We used to live across the street from each other and instantly became great friends. It's wonderful because we know each other so well that even when we have to go a long time without seeing each other

(like when we went to different high schools for four years) we can pick back up without missing a beat. And now she's met the love of her life so she gets to join the old married couples club.

But first, I'm hosting a shower for her in May. And this is what I've got so far. Because of several different factors I'm hosting it at my house. The theme will be sunshine because that is her nickname for Jeremy. I'm planning to incorporate a ton of yellow. Here are just a few ideas:

via

via

via

via

I think it will be pretty easy to incorporate yellow into my decorations & food. I will also swap out a lot of my everyday stuff for things specific to Sam & Jeremy. Mostly I can only think of pictures. But I would also like to make a large "P" to hang above my fireplace.... We'll see. I have a lot of ideas, but limited finances & time. Still I hope to make it a great shower because that's what she deserves.

Dear Monday

A Day Late...

I would have linked up with Megan, but it's Tuesday & I never published this post yesterday... In fact I don't even feel like looking through it for typos, links, or to add anything to it. Here's yesterday's post:

Linking up with Megan again.

Dear Monday, You started off a little rocky with a weird wakeup from a nightmare that wasn't really a nightmare at all. Here's to hoping you get better.

Dear Zumba, I'm pretty sure today is the day I make my triumphant return... followed by a lot of sweating, red face, panting & sore muscles.

Dear Weekend, He is risen indeed! It was our first time to host Easter lunch at our house. I'd say it was pretty successful. Except I forgot to take actual pictures. I only have a few that I snapped on my phone of the boys playing bocci ball & my stepmother on our tire swing.

Dear Publix, You are amazing. Between hooking me up with a fully cooked spiral sliced ham at a pretty decent price (so glad I didn't have to worry about cooking that on top of everything else) and introducing me to your (on sale) fat free light blackberry yogurt, I may never go to another grocery store again. Repeat: You are awesome.

He is Risen

Why do you seek the living One among the dead? He is not here, but He has risen.

Luke 1:5&6 NIV

And Jesus Christ our Lord was shown to be the Son of God when God powerfully raised Him from the dead by means of the Holy Spirit.

Romans 1:4 NLT

Now if we died with Christ we believe that we also live with Him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, He cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over Him. The death He died, He died to sin once for all; but the life He lives, He lives to God. In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus.

Romans 6:8-11

Dear Monday

Linking up with Megan today.

Dear Monday, Here we go again... except this time it's April! Wow. This year is flying. Seems like last week we were hit by the tornado, but here we are over two months since then still cleaning still rebuilding still putting our lives back together.

Dear Body, please cooperate with me and make me a baby. I spent so many years avoiding pregnancy & now all I want is to become a mother...

Dear Weekend, you were awesome. I loved getting to spend so much time with J shopping, watching plays, going out to eat, and generally doing a lot of nothing. Can you happen more often?

Dear Bangs, You were a great decision.

Dear Self Control/Motivation, where have you been lately?

New Years Resolution: March & Saying Goodbye

I really dropped the ball on my New Year's Resolution this month. I didn't force myself to experience anything new. But I did force myself to say goodbye to some of my favorite people in the world.

Jenise & Fran have worked so hard for the last decade or so training to be missionaries. When I first met them, they were living in Spokane while Fran was attending Aviation school. Since then, he has graduated, they have started a family, moved across the country (back home to us), moved across the state (twice), said goodbye to Jordan & Hannah & Soly & Grace, took a few support raising road trips, raised the support they needed to go on the mission field, attended workshops on aviation missions and living in a different culture, got assigned to work in Cameroon Africa, and moved to France for language school. They ha

ve been an inspiration to me (& I'm sure to J as well). Through every single experience they have demonstrated amazing faith. I am so proud to be able to call them family. They will be missed while they are in France, but I know everything they do is for the glory of God. And that is definitely consolation for losing some of my friends for a few years.

I wish you the best. Y'all are in my thoughts and prayers. And I cannot

wait to see what amazing things you guys do.

Waiting for their flight. Ready to start the next step of their adventure.

Taxes

We got our tax refund today. This is probably the last year we'll get a refund because I no longer get an education credit. :(

I'm trying to decide how to "spend" it right now.... I can pay off one of our larger credit cards ($1275.00, but it is no interest for the next 2 years) completely, but that leaves us super broke (like getting to work on gas fumes) until we get paid again next week. Or I can pay off a smaller debt (J's overdraft account: $675ish, but accrues interest each month) & put the rest toward the first card, while holding on to enough that we can put gas in the car etc until we get paid again... I really think paying off the smaller one that accrues interest would be more beneficial... J doesn't care as long as we use the money towards debt payoff & manage to pay the no interest card off before the grace period is over & we get slammed with all the old interest... Decisions.

New Years Resolution: February

I know February is only halfway over, but I wanted to go ahead & write about this months "new experience" & let me tell you it has been great. Completely freeing. In February, I choose not to worry. Simple as that. I will not worry about anything. I still prepare & make lists for things (groceries, bills, dinners, chores, etc), but I simply choose not to worry about anything. The funny thing is that this is super easy. Much easier than I thought it would be. For as long as I can remember I've been a worrier. In every situation my mind automatically jumps to the worst case scenario & I begin to fret about it. So much so that I have actually made myself physically ill from worry. And that's just not healthy, y'all. Besides, it's not Biblical to be such a worry wart. The Bible says:

Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Phillipians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I'm not sure what made me decide to focus on this, but I am thankful for it. Normally, in the circumstances I am in, I would be paralyzed with worry/fear. But not this time. I know that God will take care of me.

1/23 Tornadoes

Y'all. My town was rocked by the tornadoes that hit the state on January 23. Because I work for the local government, this week has been insane. Just like I imagine next week will be. This is my 3rd 14 hour day, and I am barely able to function, let alone write a post that will eloquently sum up this part of my life. There is no grace at this end. I am dragging. I barely have enough energy to eat.

But, I will say that this little community of less than 10,000 people has completely blown me away. I am in a constant state of wonder at how these citizens take care of each other. This little town is genuinely a warm, loving family. It sounds heartless to say this, but it's amazing what kind of good is brought out of people when faced with this kind of devastation.

Personally, I have not really been able to process this. There just hasn't really been time enough for me to wind down enough to think about it. I got to take a police tour of the areas hit by the tornado. Wow. That is all I can say. The devastation is unreal. Truly unreal. And this is the first time (thank God) that this little city has had to deal with this sort of thing. But wow. "Wow" to the damage, but mostly "wow" to the response. I still can't believe how amazing this city it. Also, just for future reference: the churches here have been unbelievable. They have really stepped up to the plate and provided leadership, shelter, work, food, and whatever else can be imagined. We wouldn't be able to make it to day 3 without the work of the local (and statewide) churches. Thank you so much, for showing what true Christianity is about.

Baby Girl Nursery

Baby Girl Nursery by annies0627 on polyvore.com

Circo® Fitted Knit Crib Sheet- Pink : Target, $9.99
Bergamo Upholstered Glider - Urban Drift - Bergamo - Babies "R" Us, $400
DaVinci Jenny Lind Baby Changing Table - White : Target, $99
Naptime Rod Pocket Blackout 84 inch Window Panel - Light Pink Stripe -..., $50
DaVinci Jenny Lind Crib White - Your Price $220 - LOWEST Price..., $220
Hand-tufted FHSN Wool Rug (4'9 x 7'6) | Overstock.com, $90
Amazon.com: Waverly Rustic Life Watermelon (Pink Rose on Off White..., $16

New Years Resolution: January

Remember my resolution to do something new every month? Well, January is almost over so I'm kind of phoning it in on this one.

For the month of January, I (well, both J & I) had the baby talk and have started taking steps toward beginning that process.

Right after we got married the baby fever hit me, and I managed to tell myself the timing wasn't right... And it definitely wasn't. For as long as we've been together the timing has been wrong due to our circumstances (living arrangement/finances/school/insurance/etc). I've told myself and J that I want certain conditions to be in place before TTC. First, I had to graduate college. There was really no debating about that. Second we had to be living in a house or apartment by ourselves (due to timing of apartment leases we had a roommate for the first 9 months of our marriage, then my job called for us to live in a hotel for about 1 year). Third, I demanded that we have our debt under $10,000 (and we are so close to that). And finally, we needed insurance. Somehow the planets have aligned this month and pretty much all of those things have been achieved. Crazy. So now that the basic requirements have been met, we've discussed it and made a few more requirements (mostly about losing weight and gaining money) and started making plans. Part of the plans include educating myself about this whole process because for as long as I remember I've only educated myself in NOT getting knocked up. Another part includes educating ourselves about raising a tiny human. So we signed up for a small group at church for parents/new parents/not parents yet. We really hope this will be stimulating and encouraging, because honestly the thought of raising a human kind of scares the crap out of me. Don't get me wrong it makes me feel great and excited too, but there is a lot of fear there. Just trying to be honest.

So, run down of January: met all the basic requirements (set at the beginning of our marriage) for TTC, had a baby talk with J, made a few new requirements (lose weight for a healthy pregnancy, plump up our savings, pay down some more debt), and will begin educating ourselves. See? Told you I was phoning it in... But this is kind of a big deal for us.

We know ultimately it will be in the hands of God, but there's nothing wrong with a little preparation, right?

Recently Pinned

I had planned to finish my health, wealth & happiness posts... but I slept late & only have about 5 minutes to post something. Plus I love pinterest. Here are some of my recent favorites (and they're on my list of things to actually make)

Mushroom Pizza via myp90xnutritionplan

Muggle Born Onesie via weheartit

Cupcake Liner Centerpiece via traditionallymoderndesigns

Cookie sheet magnetic board via cinnaberry-suite

Wealth

Three part series in which I discuss how health, wealth, & happiness play a part in my journey.

Like so many Americans, we are in debt. A lot of debt. And we are trying to pay it off.

Here's the breakdown according to December 2011 statements:

Best Buy Credit Card- $1346.55

My personal Credit Card- $1497.16

Compass Visa- $3112.04

Compass Gold- $5285.00

Overdraft LOC- 654.67

TOTAL: $11,895.42

(I didn't add in my loans, because for some reason, that just hasn't really registered in our minds as debt... in our family, it falls more into the house mortgage category. But for the record I have $28745.33 in student loans for 5 years of undergrad at a small public liberal arts institution.)

To be fair, a majority of this debt was gained (made/happened/etc?) through not-so-wise-decisions made during J's previous marriage, so it has been with us since we started dating over 5 years ago. My personal credit card was used a lot for our wedding stuff & again for "emergencies" when J was out of work for 3 months (not smart I know, but we did what we had to in order to survive).

I do want to take a minute to commend J. He has been working diligently at paying off his debt for as long as I've known him. And since we've been dating he/we have paid off 3 debts (when we first started dating we owed about $20k to various places) & managed to bring the rest of the balances down a lot while eking out a life for ourselves.

This year it is my goal to pay off at least 2 of these debts (the Best Buy card & the LOC) & after looking at my budget for the year, we may be able to pay down my credit card A LOT (I hope to have it paid off by next Spring)... as long as we don't have any major changes.

And honestly, I love planning this stuff. Part of me gets stressed when I look at how much we owe because by nature I am a worrier, but then I look at how far we've come &/or I write out a budget & see how efficiently we can pay it off & I end up feeling uplifted and empowered because I know WE CAN DO THIS! We don't have to be a slave to our debts. We can work our way out from under them & live fulfilling lives as a little family in a little house in our little town. And that makes me feel all warm & fuzzy. Who knew the right attitude about debt could do that?

Health

Part of my Health, Wealth & Happiness posts, focusingon how these 3 basic elements of life pertain to my particular journey.

This one is more of a diary & probably won't be all that interesting

to anyone else, which is good since no one else really knows about this blog.

Let's talk about weight loss. Let's talk about how muchI want to do that.

For as long as I can remember I have been preoccupied with my weight & with losing some of it. I can even remember back to elementary school when my BFF of the year & I decided we were going to only eat half of our school lunches to lose weight. I'm talking about early elementary school, like 2nd or 3rd grade. I remember always being self-conscious about my weight... and I think the other kids in school picked up on that so I became an easy target for bullying. I never really talked about it with anyone, but I remember being so young and crying so hard about what the other girls said/did to mock me. But this post isn't supposed to be about reliving childhood nightmares. Let's just sum it up by saying I can't remember a time in my life when my weight wasn't something I struggled with.

Fast forward to today. I'm happily married, have a good job & a wonderful house, but still struggle with my weight. So a few months ago I signed up for Weight Watchers (& a year ago I did the CarbLovers Diet, which worked well but wasn't a way of life that I could maintain, however I know people who have successfully lost weight on this diet & managed to keep it off.)... anyhow I was really gung ho about WeightWatchers for about the first week. Then old habits started creeping in - it doesn't help that I started doing this right at the major food holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas. Now, I'm paying $40/month, & I've gained about half of what I lost (about 4lbs now). Folks, I should have already lost about 16lbs based on the whole lose 2lbs/week thing. Instead I've lost 4. And it's discouraging. Very discouraging. Mostly because I have specific goals in mind for the next year or so. I really need to lose about 120lbs to be in the healthy BMI range (for my own health). I also need to lose that weight to prepare for a healthy future pregnancy. But most importantly, I want to learn how to have a healthy life so that I can have a healthy family & so my future babies won't have such a difficult childhood.

But, I guess that's enough with the whys and wherefores, can I talk about HOW this is going to be accomplished? Because the honest truth is that I'm not entirely sure how I am going to do this. I know the basics: exercise and eat right. But I have a hard time putting this plan into action. I very often find myself unprepared on the battlefield of weight loss. But in an effort to be healthy and not just "lose weight" I've started going to a Zumba class near my home. It's a lot of fun for working out. She teaches 3 times per week, but I usually only average about 2 classes/week (which is still better than none!). As for eating right, I plan to stick with WW (It does work if you work it), but in an effort to save $$$ I will probably change to the online only plan.

But I also think it's important to have big picture & small doable goals.

Big picture I'd like to reach my goal weight of 160lbs (for

a healthy BMI range, although personally I liked the way

I looked & felt at 175 much better) before TTC.

Small doable goals:

I'd like to weigh less than 250lbs

I'd like to be at my wedding weight of 220lbs (ideally by our 3rd anniversary on 6/27/12) I'm on the right in this picture.

I'd like to weigh less than 200 lbs

I'd like to be at my meeting J weight of 180lbs

& finally my goal Weight of 160-175lbs (that's me on the left, obvs.)

Now, let's actually DO this!